This is a book that I have written and I am sending it to you because I want for you to understand why I am the way I am.
1 + 1
Did not = 2
By
Toby Hoff
Introduction
I can only tell you what I can remember.
Just let me start by telling you that you have to prepare yourself before you read this because it’s extremely dark. It wasn’t easy to live and it won’t be easy to read.
This is the story that I have to tell about my life. Some it is unbelievable and difficult, but it’s all true, so if you have the time I have the words, and I am writing this to hopefully encourage others and give some people insight into what God has done.
It’s true that nothing in my new life is easy, I don’t remember much or any of my life before the attack, but God gave me a new life, a new home, notable progress, a very good church and good Christian brothers and sisters.
So how could I complain? God (who wrote the days of my life before time began) has done an awesome job of caring for me, and an awesome job of being my Father.
I may be a handicapped adult now, but I know that I’m spending eternity with Him and THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY!
This is from The Message translation, and it means a lot to me so I wanted to share it with you:
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. 8 Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! 9 We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! 10 No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
Eph. 2:8-10
The Message
Copyright
THE MESSAGE The Bible in Contemporary Language
Copyright 2002 by Eugene Pederson, All rights reserved.
Table of Contents
Chapter Title Page
1 My birth 1
2 My Grandparents 3
3 Early Life 6
4 The Molestation 10
5 Adolescence 12
6 My First Marriage 16
7 Our Second Marriage 28
8 The Attack 47
Chapter 1
My Birth
I am 50 years old, I’ve been married for 30 years to the same wonderful woman (this time), I have 3 sons: 1 hers, 1 mine and 1 adopted and I’m a handicapped adult. I can’t walk at all, I have a Traumatic Brain Injury and I don’t remember most of the first 42 years of my life and there are several other problems that I have.
But with all of that aside, I firmly believe in God the Father, God the Son
and God the Holy Spirit, aka the Trinity. Yes, I’m a Christian and my heart & life are His. In fact, the fact that I am even alive today is His work!
1
So, lets start where I began in this world. I was born in Loma Linda, California on July 3, 1958. But before I was even born the abuse started. My mother actually spanked me before I was born. Yes, I was still in her stomach. And she brags about that in front of me! I have never heard of anything like that.
I was the second child that was born into this family (if you can call it that). My mother had 2 miscarriages before I was born and I know that because I have always been told that.
2
Chapter 2
My Grandparents
My mother’s parents were always very good to me if fact my grandmother taught me a lot of things. My grandfather died when he was only 61 and it broke my heart. My grandparents always had separate bedrooms and, while it was odd, it never bothered us kids!
Christmas was a very big deal for us because it was a big deal to my grandparents. My grandmother would buy and wrap all kinds of things like bar soap, toilet paper, dish soap, wash cloths, towels, etc. We each would have a bag for our things to take them home. The focus was always on gifts from people but never on the birth of Christ. He was never discussed.
3
My grandfather always worked out of town so at times they would get an apartment where he was working and they would stay there during the week. My sister and I have spent entire weeks with them out of town. They also introduced us to many friends they had made.
My fathers parents also lived close and we spent time with them too! They had an adopted daughter that was about the same age as my sister. In fact my sister and I even went out of town with them on vacation several times.
Several times our family would have dinner with each set of grandparents. On Sunday afternoons we would have dinner with my mother’s parents. My grandmother was always loudly cussing and my grandfather was pampered and worshipped.
4
On other days and times sometimes we would eat with my father’s parents. But there was a hard and fast rule when we got together with them: Their adopted daughter was to be noticed and respected. No matter what the occasion was, she was special and everyone was to show it. No exceptions!
5
Chapter 3
Early Life
I don’t remember much after that except for what I have been given. And the things that I do remember all relate to sex.
You may think that’s odd for such a young child to say that! And that’s ok because that’s what I thought too. So I began to reconsider what I could remember and several times I found myself asking How in the World could I have known that at such a young age? I wasn’t there sexually yet, so why would I even have done that?
So, after much time, thought and prayer I have realized that I have been sexually abused. 1 + 1 did not equal 2 so it was pretty obvious.
6
So yes I was physically abused and sexually abused too. That is a great deal to learn at 50, with several physical disabilities, on my second wife with 3 kids who all have disabilities and are now adults. But with God, I can.
Back to my birth. Sorry, that was a lot of stuff but I wanted to write it down for you. At the age of 3(?) one day at home, everyone but me was gone and I found some ink. I don’t really recall what I was doing but I do recall accidentally spilling it and it stained things. I cleaned it up but the stains were permanent.
7
When my parents got home, they saw the stains and were very angry and asked me questions about it. Now, I’ll ask you: If that had been you, and you were three and your parents were extremely angrily asking you questions what would you do? I didn’t feel good about the truth, so I lied about it!
Ask and ask, lie and lie, that’s how it went. And then my sister came to me and swore that it would be private and stay between us alone, and asked me about the ink. I felt safe and secure so I told her the truth.
I had no idea of what I had done until later on. My father them came in and told me that he knew the truth that I had lied and was then going to be punished and he beat me, very angrily with a belt until I was badly scarred. Then I cried and went to sleep. And my sister has never admitted it.
8
Then I went to my fraternal grandparents house to spend the night. At night, before bed I was taking a bath and one grandparent called the other because of the blatant marks on my body. They both asked me what had happened and so I told them. They were so upset that they talked to my father about it, but it didn’t stop there, it was always that way.
When I was young my father used to keep Playboy magazines by his side of the bed and I often looked at them. So I was introduced to some very different things at a very young age.
9
Chapter 4
The Molestation
Then maybe 7 years went by. So now I was around 10 years old. My parents had some friends who were married and had a baby son late in their marriage. At best, he was unexpected and unplanned for so my mother agreed to babysit him when the mother went to work.
I’m sure that was good for him, but it was bad for him too although he does not remember anything that happened, but I do. I sexually molested him several times.
10
Now is when things began to come together for this 50 year old. At 10 why in the world would I have done that? I had no sexual maturity to drive me so it must have been something that I was used to, in private-yes, but I knew what I was doing and I even had expected outcomes that never happened. And because I was so young it didn’t affect me at all when things didn’t happen. Nothing ever experienced, nothing missed.
Thankfully I was never caught, it was short lived and it had no effect that I know of on him.
Then a couple of years went by and there were more sexual occurrences, some of which I caused and some of which were caused by other people, but they did occur and I’ve never felt good about them.
11
Chapter 5
Adolescence
And then something more wonderful than I was capable of realizing occurred, at 12 ½ I became sexually mature. And I began a problem of simply focusing on making myself very happy.
Every night when I went to bed I masturbated. I was never caught, but I always did it. And I do not have ANY RECOLLECTION of ever talking about this with anyone or preparing for this or even anticipating this. I was totally on my own.
12
Then I got a babysitting job at the house next door for the Vice Principal of my high school. He had many books, one of which I really liked called Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask.
Finally a book that I loved! One topic: Sex and story after story that I really liked! I spent the most time, time and time again in the descriptions of homosexual sex. I never left it marked or anything like that but every time the kids went to bed I took the book into the bathroom, read it and masturbated, every time.
I didn’t talk about it with anyone, but it made a huge impression on me.
While I was growing up, there were several things going on in my home that were not normal and they abused me emotionally.
14
Case in point was that too often my parents (as I learned later) were going to have sex and before but behind closed bedroom doors my mother would laugh so loudly that she could clearly be heard by my sister and I behind our closed bedroom doors. Then it would be very quiet for a while and then my mother would get up and go into the bathroom.
Another thing that was going on is that my sister was going out of the house and on the next block and having sex with any boy that would. And being totally obsessed with meeting boys and men and having them come over to the house, my parents always approved and they would make out in her room. And she always got away with it.
15
Chapter 6
My First Marriage
At 15 I got a girlfriend and while it just seemed normal to me to do, I started having sex with her. Her family lived in a big house at the top of a hill and we could take her huge basement all to ourselves, so it is there that we had sex.
We continued that with no contraceptives until she became pregnant. We both wanted to escape from our homes, so marriage and a baby was the solution. It was perfect, it solved both of our problems!
So at 16 years old we were married. She was 4 ½ months pregnant at the wedding. Oh yes, my parents were very upset, but I was happy because soon I would be free from my home and she would be too!
16
Being free from our home looked very attractive to both my sister and I and I know for a fact that we both longed for that day.
The wedding came together very quickly and we were married in her mother’s church. I swear that I thought that everything was fine, but it wasn’t.
Because I was married now, I didn’t go to my parent’s church which caused problems in the worst way. One night after I got out of work, we saw some men from my parent’s church coming to our home, so we went home very quickly and got in the front door.
They came too and pounded on the door yelling threats at me. I wouldn’t open the door because I didn’t want to go back there.
17
They screamed and pounded and threatened me for a long time, but all I needed was to be loved and accepted like Jesus had done, but they would not do it and finally they left.
And I got a letter shortly thereafter that they had withdrawn from me and NO ONE was to have anything to do with me. And what I couldn’t figure out was how could they be called The Church of Christ and do that to 16 ½ year old me? Go figgur.
Jesus would have been kind and loving. Instead of threats, he would have offered help. Instead of POUNDING He would have and does knock softly. Nowhere in scripture are people EVER afraid of Him when He comes, but we were terrified that night! And that was The Church of Christ? No, I don’t think so because that’s not what the Bible talk’s about.
18
My son was born when I was 17 and he looked just like me! So, of course I named him my name as a junior. He came home with us to our apartment. I was very happy. Years and years of abuse had taken their toll on me and would arise again and again in the future, but right then I was very happy.
That happiness was short lived. Sex was still very important to me. My wife and I were talking one day about having sex with other people and we both decided some thing which we later did.
One day this betrothed couple came over to our house and the plan went into action. Interestingly, I don’t remember very much about that day. But I do know that we swapped partners and had sex right there on the same bed at the same time!
19
The effects of the abuse had surfaced and were having a very negative effect on my life.
At 17 I was a junior in high school, and I graduated high school that year. My wife had dropped out of school and gone to beauty school, which she dropped out of later.
But, she had contact with different people than I did and soon it was obvious that more than school was going on. And one day when she was supposed to be home she wasn’t, so I went to look for her.
20
They told me at the beauty school that she had been there that day, but that she had gone home with this guy, so I got his address and went to get her. When I got there no one would ever show themselves, so after a while I left. I’m sure that we discussed it later on, but I don’t remember a thing.
Back to my high school. I hated PE class and there were try outs for the Water Polo team and they would meet at the end of every day for two hours. What a dream! I could swim every day and not have to go to normal PE. I became a part of the team playing Water Polo!
21
I was married and a father and we were living in a house that my wife’s father had bought for us, I was graduating from high school 1 year early, I was on the Water Polo team and, I thought that life was pretty smooth (and it was for awhile…).
But only a very few years had gone by. I was now only 19 and I very deeply loved my son, but I didn’t love my wife. So, as only a 19 year old could do, I began thinking about how I could get away from her, and one day I took my clothes and left!
I told her that I was leaving, gathered my clothes and went out to the car to leave. But I will never forget that horrible scene! My son was standing at the floor to ceiling windows in his room crying and screaming DAD! And I drove away. I will always remember that.
22
Interestingly I don’t recall her reaction at all, but his will never leave me.
I went straight to my parent’s house to change residences and was successful. I very rapidly began divorce proceedings against my wife. I didn’t miss her at all but I missed my son terribly.
After I left, since she had no education and needed money to live she had two young gay men move in to pay rent and help her around the house.
I began picking up my son for the weekend every other week.
23
Right away I could tell that something was wrong with my son. He was very upset, and as his father I could tell that he was not normal and something was wrong and so I talked to him, I did care about him. He did talk to me and what he had to say really upset me.
According to what he told me, the gay men were abusing him and they always gave him a bath and during bath time, when he was naked was when it would occur.
I was very angry and wanted him to be free from that environment as soon as possible! That was my son and he was being abused and he was looking to me, his father, to help him. I was extremely upset! This was my son and he was looking to me for help! So after a weekend visitation, I kept him and would not take him home.
24
So of course my soon to be ex wife called the police on me. It’s funny to think about it now but I don’t think that there was or is now anywhere for me to go. She could go to the police but where could I go?
She was able to taken him home so I had to do something different. So I changed the divorce lawsuit to a custody battle.
I wanted to protect my son because I was his father and I loved him.
I didn’t succeed in getting custody so obviously that wasn’t in God’s plan.
25
In the meantime, I was just a normal 19 year old. I had changed jobs and was working as a teller at a local savings & loan. I really liked my job and as I was writing this I realized that all of my jobs were better than usual and I very much liked all of my jobs!
I was always trying to do something better than usual at all of my jobs. Case in point is that I was always trying to do my job better and be at a better location where I could do more. So I was at the main location for some time but then I was transferred to other branch locations.
At one of the branch locations I was a vault teller and a leader. When I had become fairly confident at what I was doing, I would begin looking for some way to excel at something else, and this one time I began taking dance lessons at a local studio and before long I was a performer and a teacher.
26
I was a star doing public appearances and teaching many classes at various locations and all for free and fun and success! I worked after the hours of my regular job and because I was living back at home and my parent’s religion thought that dancing was wrong, my parents regularly made fun of me each time before I went to the studio.
And yes I had many sexual type experiences during this time but I never did anything but reject them. Until I met my current wife.
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Chapter 7
Our Second Marriage
We met one night at an anniversary party of some mutual friends. There were 8 years between our ages and before long we realized that we had met 8 tears before through the same couple that was having the anniversary party that night.
It may be somewhat vain to say so but it was Love at first sight. I wanted to meet her, so we met and danced together all night long! By the morning we had made arrangements to meet again.
28
And I was starting to teach a dance class in the same city where she worked so she attended the class, and soon she and I had made arrangements to meet after the class and we did! One night we stayed up all night long just talking to each other in her car at the parking lot at her work.
But this love did not supersede the love I had for my son, no I continued to see him regularly and even introduced him to her. And it went well.
I was so in love then and always have been and 30 years later I still am now. So I decided to ask her to marry me and I went shopping and bought her a ring. Then one night I gave her the ring and proposed to her.
29
She accepted! I’m sure that God was involved. Then I spoke to her parents to get their approval too and that was accepted so I also talked to our boys. Hers 7 and mine 3 and when they accepted we chose the date for the wedding to be December 2nd.
We chose a church in Belmont Shores which was close to her and went about planning the wedding. And that meant also finding a place where we could move to and live after the wedding as husband and wife and parents of two young boys.
Without question we accepted each other’s families and children as our own and in 30 years, that hasn’t changed one bit.
30
We found a house to rent that was close to her work and I moved in there, alone, 1 month prior to the wedding. That was a huge thing and it was done prior to the wedding.
At the wedding in Belmont Shores, we all (me, my son & my parents) had spent the night before at my wife’s parents house in Seal Beach. My father performed the wedding ceremony& sang our songs for each other. My wife’s parents had a reception for us at their house and both of our boys were in the wedding.
31
When my father sang our songs for each other I had given him CD’s of the artist doing each song so that he could listen to them and learn the words and the melodies for the songs. He got the words all correctly, but the melodies were somewhat obviously off when he sang them. I felt that he loved me and that was just a simple mistake. However, knowing what I know now I believe that he purposely changed some of the melodies to hopefully change the perspective of the songs. Because before he had sung such complex songs as AVE MARIA absolutely perfectly.

We stayed at The Madonna Inn for our honeymoon and that’s all that I can remember from that time. Then, I could walk and this was a new adventure that I was going to make work!

31
It’s difficult for me to remember things now, but I think that the honeymoon was great,

However, the years and years of abuse were still there and were waiting to wreak havoc on my life and I can only thank God that my wife has been so understanding.

I left the savings & loan job and went to work for Rockwell International. It was then that we began the process of adoption. We could not have children together but we desperately wanted to start a real family like our boys didn’t have.

We were actually chosen by a young pregnant woman who said that she would let us know when she had the baby, and one day we received a call that the baby had been born at Camp Pendleton so we immediately went there to see him.

32
I don’t remember much about what happened during that time, but I do recall meeting his birth mother before he was born and then seeing her again at the hospital after he had been born.

We were renting a two story condo at that time in Santa Ana California, so our new son had his own room. It is interesting that I said our son because he has always been our son. We have no problem with the fact that he was adopted, but he has always been and will always be our son.

My wife even tried to breast feed him! Interestingly, our lives as husband and wife and as parents went great! Unfortunately I don’t recall very much of the next 20 years but what I do recall I’ll tell you.


33
Then we had (made it) moved to Buena Park across the street from Knott’s Berry Farm. I landscaped the yard, put in a sprinkler system, and had an above ground pool. It was very nice and there was always something to do there.

I was just like a husband and father should be. I even put a seat on my 10 speed bike for my son and we went everywhere together. But one day we rode to the gift shops at Knott’s Berry Farm and when we were in a gift shop and I was paying I heard a loud splash and crying and when I turned around to look, it was my son!

After talking to him I found out that he had climbed to the top of this waterfall in the store and then he fell all of the way down. He was upset but ok, so we went home.

34
I also remember that he LOVED TO GET HAPPY MEALS FROM MCDONALD’S. So that is what I got him for dinner every night. And, of course he loved and ate them.

I do recall buying him a large Power Wheels truck that he could drive one year for Christmas and he loved it. He drove everywhere and could turn each direction and go forwards and backwards.

While I am writing all of this down I have realized that everything that was done was done with one objective: family. Also as I am writing this all down and having gone through what I have, I can look back now and see things just a little bit differently, actually a lot differently than I did before. And it all makes sense now.

35
Job wise, I left Rockwell because I had discovered computers and loved them, so I went to work for a software vendor.

Also, at sometime between Rockwell and the software vendor my wife and I found Christ. And I mean we really found Christ. We were truly living for Him.

While working for the software vendor I began to travel a lot! I spent a great deal of time in Philadelphia which I loved and found a great place to eat! I also went to Disneyworld in Florida, to New York (and while I was there I visited the Statue of Liberty) and also to Louisville, Kentucky. And that trip to Kentucky was extremely memorable.



36
I was not able to do anything for my customer, Jewish Hospital because they decided that they didn’t need me anymore so I didn’t go to their office, but I could hear God telling me to move there.

So I came back, told my wife, we quit our jobs, sold our house in Buena Park and bought a house in Kentucky, got my biological son to go with us and moved to Kentucky.

The drive was long but the house and acreage were more than worth it, they were stunning! We were all happy for this to be our new home.

Kentucky was far more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen! I do not remember many of the details about that, so this is just an overview of Kentucky.
37
I looked for a job very hard and finally found one at GE Consulting and was assigned to work for a project at Appliance Park for GE!

As a result I was given $500 to buy GE appliances which was perfect because we needed them in our new home. I can’t recall exactly all that we bought but at least it was: 1 washer, 1 dryer, 1 stove, 1 microwave and 1 Weber grill.

Everything seemed more than wonderful until…

When the appliances were delivered and installed (typical guy thing) I was prepared to use the new grill, so I started it.



38
Danny was with me and everything seemed just fine… It had been a little cold outside which meant nothing to a Southern California native and especially a man who just got a brand new free Weber grill!

So when I thought that the grill was ready, I took the steaks and went outside using the sliding glass doors in the kitchen and used the walkway behind the house and then I attempted to take the steps down to the garage.

It started out fine but unknown to me there
was ice on the steps! I honestly had never seen anything like that before, and two steps down I fell!





39
Typical man, I didn’t drop the steaks but I did break my left ankle! And I was in a lot
of pain, I was outside and on the ground in the driveway and I could not get up. In shock and pain I got Danny to go get my wife.

She had me lay in the backseat of the car and she drove me to a hospital. To make a very long story shorter, I left with 2
crutches, a cast on my ankle, several
bandages and very strong orders to take 8
weeks off of work!

I was sure that I would be fired and we would lose all of our free stuff. I’m sure that we turned to God. And when I called them the next morning, they were sorry about the accident and the injury but assured me that they would wait for me and that I would continue to be paid.
40
I could not believe it. A new house, a new state, a new job, new appliances, a new injury, 8 weeks off of work and it was ok! I clearly can see God’s hand in this whole thing.

So yes, I went back to work. GE was very good to me. Homesick about California? Never.

While we lived there we became involved in many things. Prayer meetings at work, Bible studies at home and at work, monthly potlucks at home, youth ministry, a group home, youth pastor ship, a home for wayward girls, etc.

Then, the lust for money took over my life so I looked for another job where I could make more money. And very quickly I took a job with an airline owned company located in Louisville.
41
At this point I hardly have any memory left. Yes I remember some people and some things but most I don’t remember at all. I do remember taking on the role of Systems Analyst in Louisville for Airlines Reporting Corporation.

I don’t remember much about that job, but I do remember applying for a promotion at that job, and I got it!

Once again my whole family and I moved across the nation. This time to Virginia! I was actually the manger of a brand new department that I could name and define.

I named it Production Support. But the effects of the abuse were still there and they were rising up within me. The odd thing to me now is that I didn’t see it.

42
I stayed with this gay man who was an ARC employee and his boyfriend at their home in Washington DC while I was working at the home office of my company in Arlington, Virginia. It seems obvious to me now, but it didn’t phase me at all then, but my abuse was beginning to take over my life.

I had magazines with pictures of naked men in them and they were fooling around with each other. I even went and watched porno flicks with just men in them. It was like reading my neighbor’s book but now it was real and in action.

But, honestly, I wouldn’t do that now. But a man’s naked body was very safe and familiar to me (probably the safest!) and betraying a mate (again) didn’t seem wrong to me.

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I don’t know why else I would have done it. I was a normal happily married man with a great deal of success and many things to be happy with. It wasn’t as if my homelife wasn’t excellent because it was.

Another thing is that I had tons an tons of Christian experiences behind me so it’s not that I didn’t know that what I was doing was wrong, but the same self induced sexual happiness that had caused me to masturbate before had taken center stage in my life again.

When I was staying at that gay man’s home in Washington DC, one night when I was going to my room, he was posing at his bedroom and he met me while wearing only a towel around his waist and he invited me in. I was shocked but I refused the invitation and left him posing at his door.

44
But I made a good friend who was also gay and he had aids but was on a treatment to stay alive. We went to lunch together several times and then he quit the company and planned to move from Washington DC to Seattle, Washington. That was going to be a long drive, so I actually offered to go with him as a friend, nothing else but a friend.

I don’t have to wonder who got everything in motion at ARC, because there were many homosexuals there. And everyone knew who they were. Men or women, it made no difference.

I went to my friends house in Seattle if you asked me why it was because I was doing and learning things that I did not previously know how to do but needed to learn, because I even installed a real hardwood floor at his house.
45
But if you were there you would probably say that I loved men and had many boyfriends that I would have sex with and stay all night with, because that’s what I have been told.

















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Chapter 8
The Attack

I honestly remember nothing from that time. I can only tell you what I’ve been told. But I will assure you that I do not have any of those feelings now, in fact I often wonder why I did then, because I’m not that way.

So now you can see where this title came from: 1 + 1 did not = 2.

Yes it’s that simple. I couldn’t understand how this could have happened to me but after reevaluating my life now, it all makes sense.

About 9 years ago I lived in Virginia and I am told (and there are court records to back this up) that I went to this “gay” park in Seattle.
47
On 7/11/2000 I flew there and rented a car and went to the park. And these 2 men came to me and at sometime that evening I took them to dinner at KFC.

I do not remember being there or meeting them. So what I am telling you now is what I have been told by my wife.

I went long distance from Washington DC to Seattle, WA to go to the park and what makes so sense to me at all is that I had been married for over 20 years and was very happy and had traveled the world and was extremely successful and rich, why would I do that? It’s certainly NOT because that’s who I am because I’m not like that.

Now I don’t know the actual sequence of events but I am told that we met, I took them to dinner and to buy some beers, we went back to the park, and then they beat me up.
48
They stole my car and completely broke my brain stem, hit and kicked my ears until I am now deaf in my right ear, kicked me down a hill so that I could die and some people heard me crying (which is odd because I can’t cry now), and called the police and an ambulance.

And the ambulance took me to a trauma center and EVERYONE, and I mean everyone said that I would die or just be a vegetable all of my life. But I’m writing this book, so I’m not dead or a vegetable!

I actually live in an apartment and love my wife and my kids and all of God’s children, and I am still (I’ve been tested!) very intelligent.

So why?


50
That’s a good question and one that I have asked many times.

It’s as simple as faith.

God makes and takes life. So He chose to heal me.

It’s like He took the effort to teach us again the basics of faith. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, but I am very very honored that He did, and I hope you are too.

I now do not know how long I’ll live or when or how I’ll die, but He does.

So yes, 1 + 1 did not = 2 in this World, but God is not from this World. He created it.



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Ok, so I “woke up” in the hospital in Virginia 5 years after my attack, unable to walk, not knowing one thing that had happened to me, unaware of how much time had passed by, with a TBI and most of my memory of my first 42 years of my life gone away, so basically I was lost.

My sister was talking to me regularly and
very kindly on the telephone. My parents came to visit me from Oregon to Virginia. My wife came to see me a couple of times per week and basically I was there to stay in my room and die, at least that was what I was told,

I was totally clueless about everything! My wife continually talked about me having done “gay” things which I didn’t understand at all, I was completely clueless about everything and I was sexually abused by a female nurse during a shower!
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Then my wife asked me to decide “where” I wanted to go to live to my sister’s house in California or my parent’s house in Oregon. She said that I had to go somewhere, so I opted not to go to my parent’s house because I didn’t like their Church and since my sister said that I could live with her and I assumed that her Church was as nice as she was, I chose to go to California to live with her (a decision that I would regret deeply very soon).

And on 12-23-05 I left the hospital in Virginia and flew with my wife and my youngest son to California. I met my sister and her husband at the airport in California and went home with them (for just a few weeks, then I was put in a retirement home).



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This was as difficult to experience as it is to recall! This was done correctly by my wife and I, but it was not a good thing for me to do.

My sister has stolen from me more than 2 thousand dollars to make her personal truck payments, more than 4 thousand to pay for her attorney and now she is suing me for more than 10 thousand dollars for her attorney. So you bet that I regret coming.










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I was sexually abused by a male nurse also during a shower at the retirement home so thankfully I was removed from there and put in a board & care but things just got worse.
I still didn’t know what had happened to me, why I had been in a hospital, that I couldn’t walk, why I had Ataxia on my left side and I am left handed or anything! My sister, who was now my Conservator, never came to see me at my board & care but would call them and talk badly about me as I’m told. So I told my board & care that if she or her husband ever came over that I would call 911 for protection!

I had to get away from her because I was terrified! My sister was screaming at me that “God isn’t happy with you” and “you’re sending people straight to Hell” and “THE MESSAGE isn’t the Word of God”. So I went to Legal Aid to see what could be done.
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At first I saw a man and he said: “There’s nothing that we can do”. So I immediately started praying and apologizing in my prayer to God and this wonderful woman came in and started asking me questions and told me how they would help me and that she would type up and file the papers for me. There is no question that God’s will was done then.

During that time I was told by my board & care that I was evicted and the date by which I had to move out. My sister knew that and did nothing to help & did not offer to help. So I honestly don’t know how I did it but I by myself found another board & care to go to, arranged to have them move me. All by myself.




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One of the things that they used to tell me at a board & care was that I had to go to the bathroom every day to be normal, and since I had no memory at all, I didn’t know that was false. So I bought over the counter things to take and kept them in my room so that I could take them and they told me to give them to them or throw them away. So I just threw them away and wondered why I had to do that.

Another thing that happened to me was that I called one night to ask them to please bring me another drink and this young woman came in and said: “what do you want?” Now mind you, I had been in my room with the door closed for hours, I have a TBI and my right ear is deaf so if anything else was going on then I couldn’t hear it.


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Then she started screaming and crying and yelled something about this woman being sick for 2 days and that she had to stay up with her and I needed another drink? What was my problem?

I was shocked and deeply hurt. I had no idea that the woman had been ill & why was she crying and screaming at me? All I had done was ask for another drink…

And she wouldn’t even speak to me after that. She was angry at me but I didn’t know why.







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On my last day at that board & care the owner who had evicted me did not come and that was a first. The woman’s husband did come though and he was very upset that I was leaving and he told me so several times. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t leaving by my choice instead that I was leaving because I had been evicted and given a date by which I had to move.

Of course he didn’t believe me and so that was a horrible day! He gave me a shower as usual but he was so rough with me in the shower that I felt like I had been beaten up by the end of the shower.






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I heard one of the women who had been a roommate of mine for the previous 1 ½ years talking extremely badly and wrongly about me in the kitchen so I yelled from my bedroom that what she was saying was not true.

I felt that I had been wrongfully evicted, I had to find my own place to move to and arrange my own moving, that man was suddenly mean to me, the woman who had evicted me didn’t show up to say goodbye to me and a fellow resident was hurting me so yes I was ready to go!

My ride came and they took all of my things & me to the new place. I did call the woman who ran my old board & care to ask if I could come back once a month just to touch base with the residents there and she said yes, but I never did.
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I did contact her by email about a year later and she told me that they had sold the house to someone else, moved everyone to other places and they were no longer in business as a board & care. So it was a good thing that I moved when I did.

Because my memory is gone I can’t tell you a thing about being a child or much about my parents. One thing that did happen regarding my father and me after my attack that I do remember I’ll tell you.

Probably during Christmas of 2006 my father gave handicapped me a rock that he told me was chocolate and to eat it. So I tried and of course couldn’t and I had to spit to out which he thought was very very funny. I didn’t think it was funny at all. In fact, I couldn’t believe that he would do something like that to me.
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There were even a couple of times that he brought up things in my past that I supposedly have done and I could not remember a thing and he knew that) that have been bothering him for YEARS. And when my wife called them to the trauma center when I was first hurt, my father said just do with him what you want, we don’t care…

My father said that? Yes.

I never gave any of this any thought, but of course now I do.

My sister repeatedly came to court by herself and fought me hard when I tried for my independence. But then I finally won! And she was very angry with me.


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I thought that was a huge step forward for me, but I had no idea what she had done to me while she was my Conservator until 1 year later.

I started going to the Trinity Church there and even began going to the Light and Power Sunday school class there. It was a class for disabled adults! Very quickly the members of that class (there were about 40 disabled adults and 10 normal adults) became my family.

There was always great food, good lessons, nice people who really cared for you and were good friends, a Church that believed in the class and us and great fieldtrips! The teacher of the class even picked me up every Sunday for Church and class and took me home!

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I even had the teacher and his wife go with me to a meeting with my sister and her husband so that they could observe how I was being treated by my sister and her husband.

Ok, we need to back up a little bit. I’m at the second board and care now. At that place I was always, and I mean always totally alone! The caregiver that was there was very good to me and I made a good friend (that I still call) there.









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But the owner was a totally different story. I learned immediately that she was just in the business just for the money. Cases in point were: my caregiver was an illegal alien so she only paid her only $80.00 a month and the caregiver was the only worker that was ever there, the owner constantly hounded me for more money (I paid her over $3,000.00) and she constantly told me that people would be happy to pay $5,000.00 for my room and I found out later that she would not allow my friend who was in his early 80’s and has Alzheimer’s to have more than 3 pairs of underwear.

So I won the court case against my sister, found an apartment, gave my 30 days notice at the board & care, arranged for help to move from my Church and moved. Not a small set of tasks for a brain injured man. No indeed!
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When I moved my oldest son (1 hrs and then 36) had agreed to move in with me, but he never showed. It was then that my wife made plans for her and my baby (1 adopted and then 22) to move from Virginia to California. So I spent 1 month alone and my baby moved in and my wife moved in with her mother to take care of her.

I’m now in my 2nd apartment which is much closer to my wife. By now I have broken 2 ribs also, but really I am fine. I see my wife & son at least once a week and I talk on the telephone to my wife every day.

This is a very different place for me to be as a human because I am trying to get back into life and as a handicapped adult that’s hard to do. But my faith keeps me strong. In fact my faith is the only thing that makes me have strength at all!
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Think about it. All of your strength, knowledge and purpose is there one minute and gone forever the next and you know nothing about it! Welcome to my world!

And your faith is stronger than ever. Now that sounds like a strong, loving and extremely kind gift to me. How about you?

I am on a very limited income so I have to follow a budget very closely every month. But it seems natural for me to help others. It’s just who I am. From the inside out.

At this point my sister is suing me, neither she nor her husband will talk to me, my parents won’t talk to me and they all are modern day Christians separated by distance, denomination and societal views, and no one will speak to me.


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The reason for that at one time would have been far beyond me, but now even though it is hard to take, after reviewing my past, it seems quite likely

I have now moved away from my Church and my Christian family but my faith just grows stronger. I have looked for a Church here, but I have yet to find even one that has a gathering of disabled adults, which I think is odd because disabled adults are nothing new. We’ve ALWAYS been there but we’re not accepted by any Church except the one I came from. I’m still looking.







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Now it has come to the time to wind down this story. I’m now in my second apartment that is much closer to my wife and I see her much more often. Medically no one knows why I’m alive and they don’t know why I won’t die, I’m looking for a Church that has something for Disabled Adults and I will probably go back to college so that I can go back to work to support my family & helping everyone that I can along the way.

I don’t know how long I’ll live or when or how I’ll die, but He does and that’s enough for, me.

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