Wednesday, February 29, 2012
I read something very important today and it was even in the Old Testament. Daniel and his friends were thrown into a very very hot furnace that was so hot that it killed the men who carried them to the furnace but after being thrown in Daniel and his friends were ok, in fact they were brought out ok by the king. The key thing is that humans couldn’t anticipate or do what God could do. We have the same problem today. Humans think that they know it all or that they can do it all but God is more powerful than human events in fact the only reason that there are human events is because God creates humans!
Dan 7:13-14
"I saw a human form, a son of man, arriving in a whirl of clouds. He came to The Old One and was presented to him. 14 He was given power to rule — all the glory of royalty. Everyone — race, color, and creed — had to serve him. His rule would be forever, never ending. His kingly rule would never be replaced.
I wonder if this was Jesus?
"I saw a human form, a son of man, arriving in a whirl of clouds. He came to The Old One and was presented to him. 14 He was given power to rule — all the glory of royalty. Everyone — race, color, and creed — had to serve him. His rule would be forever, never ending. His kingly rule would never be replaced.
I wonder if this was Jesus?
Dan 4:27
27 "So, king, take my advice: Make a clean break with your sins and start living for others. Quit your wicked life and look after the needs of the down-and-out. Then you will continue to have a good life.
So, everyone, take my advice: Make a clean break with your sins and start living for others. Quit your wicked life and look after the needs of the down-and-out.
27 "So, king, take my advice: Make a clean break with your sins and start living for others. Quit your wicked life and look after the needs of the down-and-out. Then you will continue to have a good life.
So, everyone, take my advice: Make a clean break with your sins and start living for others. Quit your wicked life and look after the needs of the down-and-out.
Dan 3:16-18
16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, "Your threat means nothing to us. 17 If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. 18 But even if he doesn't, it wouldn't make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn't serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up."
This is a good example for us. What WE would like to happen may or may not happen so regardless of that God is God and if we have faith in Him then that’s the bottom line. Even Jesus said: “In this world you will have trouble”.
16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, "Your threat means nothing to us. 17 If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. 18 But even if he doesn't, it wouldn't make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn't serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up."
This is a good example for us. What WE would like to happen may or may not happen so regardless of that God is God and if we have faith in Him then that’s the bottom line. Even Jesus said: “In this world you will have trouble”.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
I am in a place that is not popular and you’re not going to like this but it is true and God has documented it and because I have compassion for you I’ll say it.
In our lives we are strongly encouraged that things including opinions are for our individual benefit but the fact is that we were created by God for His benefit and if we recognize and live our lives based on that then we will go to Heaven and live eternally with Him but if we just live for ourselves then we will go to Hell. Satan encouraged Eve to think of herself which she did so she encouraged Adam to think just of himself and he did but because they ignored what God had clearly told them He punished them and He will punish you too.
Over and over scriptures say that God has never changed so you can expect the same treatment as Adam & Eve got but it won’t apply to this Earth as it did for them it will be an eternal consequence for you. So our status is already determined as a sinner and the ONLY way to correct that is by Jesus and to live for God.
Now society will not like that but in the garden of Eden Satan didn’t like it either and he has made a HUGE effort to lie to humans as he did then. But you know better now!
In our lives we are strongly encouraged that things including opinions are for our individual benefit but the fact is that we were created by God for His benefit and if we recognize and live our lives based on that then we will go to Heaven and live eternally with Him but if we just live for ourselves then we will go to Hell. Satan encouraged Eve to think of herself which she did so she encouraged Adam to think just of himself and he did but because they ignored what God had clearly told them He punished them and He will punish you too.
Over and over scriptures say that God has never changed so you can expect the same treatment as Adam & Eve got but it won’t apply to this Earth as it did for them it will be an eternal consequence for you. So our status is already determined as a sinner and the ONLY way to correct that is by Jesus and to live for God.
Now society will not like that but in the garden of Eden Satan didn’t like it either and he has made a HUGE effort to lie to humans as he did then. But you know better now!
Lam 2:14
14 Your prophets courted you with sweet talk. They didn't face you with your sin so that you could repent. Their sermons were all wishful thinking, deceptive illusions.
This is what is happening today with Church businesses and preaching professions. They say things to please people and make money while God’s world tells the truth.
14 Your prophets courted you with sweet talk. They didn't face you with your sin so that you could repent. Their sermons were all wishful thinking, deceptive illusions.
This is what is happening today with Church businesses and preaching professions. They say things to please people and make money while God’s world tells the truth.
Jer 49:12
12 Indeed. GOD says, "I tell you, if there are people who have to drink the cup of God's wrath even though they don't deserve it, why would you think you'd get off? You won't get off. You'll drink it. Oh yes, you'll drink every drop.
Jesus said: “Can you drink the cup that I’m going to drink?” this was the cup of God’s wrath and He drank it for us.
12 Indeed. GOD says, "I tell you, if there are people who have to drink the cup of God's wrath even though they don't deserve it, why would you think you'd get off? You won't get off. You'll drink it. Oh yes, you'll drink every drop.
Jesus said: “Can you drink the cup that I’m going to drink?” this was the cup of God’s wrath and He drank it for us.
This is a book that I have written and I am sending it to you because I want for you to understand why I am the way I am.
1 + 1
Did not = 2
By
Toby Hoff
Introduction
I can only tell you what I can remember.
Just let me start by telling you that you have to prepare yourself before you read this because it’s extremely dark. It wasn’t easy to live and it won’t be easy to read.
This is the story that I have to tell about my life. Some it is unbelievable and difficult, but it’s all true, so if you have the time I have the words, and I am writing this to hopefully encourage others and give some people insight into what God has done.
It’s true that nothing in my new life is easy, I don’t remember much or any of my life before the attack, but God gave me a new life, a new home, notable progress, a very good church and good Christian brothers and sisters.
So how could I complain? God (who wrote the days of my life before time began) has done an awesome job of caring for me, and an awesome job of being my Father.
I may be a handicapped adult now, but I know that I’m spending eternity with Him and THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY!
This is from The Message translation, and it means a lot to me so I wanted to share it with you:
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. 8 Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! 9 We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! 10 No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
Eph. 2:8-10
The Message
Copyright
THE MESSAGE The Bible in Contemporary Language
Copyright 2002 by Eugene Pederson, All rights reserved.
Table of Contents
Chapter Title Page
1 My birth 1
2 My Grandparents 3
3 Early Life 6
4 The Molestation 10
5 Adolescence 12
6 My First Marriage 16
7 Our Second Marriage 28
8 The Attack 47
Chapter 1
My Birth
I am 50 years old, I’ve been married for 30 years to the same wonderful woman (this time), I have 3 sons: 1 hers, 1 mine and 1 adopted and I’m a handicapped adult. I can’t walk at all, I have a Traumatic Brain Injury and I don’t remember most of the first 42 years of my life and there are several other problems that I have.
But with all of that aside, I firmly believe in God the Father, God the Son
and God the Holy Spirit, aka the Trinity. Yes, I’m a Christian and my heart & life are His. In fact, the fact that I am even alive today is His work!
1
So, lets start where I began in this world. I was born in Loma Linda, California on July 3, 1958. But before I was even born the abuse started. My mother actually spanked me before I was born. Yes, I was still in her stomach. And she brags about that in front of me! I have never heard of anything like that.
I was the second child that was born into this family (if you can call it that). My mother had 2 miscarriages before I was born and I know that because I have always been told that.
2
Chapter 2
My Grandparents
My mother’s parents were always very good to me if fact my grandmother taught me a lot of things. My grandfather died when he was only 61 and it broke my heart. My grandparents always had separate bedrooms and, while it was odd, it never bothered us kids!
Christmas was a very big deal for us because it was a big deal to my grandparents. My grandmother would buy and wrap all kinds of things like bar soap, toilet paper, dish soap, wash cloths, towels, etc. We each would have a bag for our things to take them home. The focus was always on gifts from people but never on the birth of Christ. He was never discussed.
3
My grandfather always worked out of town so at times they would get an apartment where he was working and they would stay there during the week. My sister and I have spent entire weeks with them out of town. They also introduced us to many friends they had made.
My fathers parents also lived close and we spent time with them too! They had an adopted daughter that was about the same age as my sister. In fact my sister and I even went out of town with them on vacation several times.
Several times our family would have dinner with each set of grandparents. On Sunday afternoons we would have dinner with my mother’s parents. My grandmother was always loudly cussing and my grandfather was pampered and worshipped.
4
On other days and times sometimes we would eat with my father’s parents. But there was a hard and fast rule when we got together with them: Their adopted daughter was to be noticed and respected. No matter what the occasion was, she was special and everyone was to show it. No exceptions!
5
Chapter 3
Early Life
I don’t remember much after that except for what I have been given. And the things that I do remember all relate to sex.
You may think that’s odd for such a young child to say that! And that’s ok because that’s what I thought too. So I began to reconsider what I could remember and several times I found myself asking How in the World could I have known that at such a young age? I wasn’t there sexually yet, so why would I even have done that?
So, after much time, thought and prayer I have realized that I have been sexually abused. 1 + 1 did not equal 2 so it was pretty obvious.
6
So yes I was physically abused and sexually abused too. That is a great deal to learn at 50, with several physical disabilities, on my second wife with 3 kids who all have disabilities and are now adults. But with God, I can.
Back to my birth. Sorry, that was a lot of stuff but I wanted to write it down for you. At the age of 3(?) one day at home, everyone but me was gone and I found some ink. I don’t really recall what I was doing but I do recall accidentally spilling it and it stained things. I cleaned it up but the stains were permanent.
7
When my parents got home, they saw the stains and were very angry and asked me questions about it. Now, I’ll ask you: If that had been you, and you were three and your parents were extremely angrily asking you questions what would you do? I didn’t feel good about the truth, so I lied about it!
Ask and ask, lie and lie, that’s how it went. And then my sister came to me and swore that it would be private and stay between us alone, and asked me about the ink. I felt safe and secure so I told her the truth.
I had no idea of what I had done until later on. My father them came in and told me that he knew the truth that I had lied and was then going to be punished and he beat me, very angrily with a belt until I was badly scarred. Then I cried and went to sleep. And my sister has never admitted it.
8
Then I went to my fraternal grandparents house to spend the night. At night, before bed I was taking a bath and one grandparent called the other because of the blatant marks on my body. They both asked me what had happened and so I told them. They were so upset that they talked to my father about it, but it didn’t stop there, it was always that way.
When I was young my father used to keep Playboy magazines by his side of the bed and I often looked at them. So I was introduced to some very different things at a very young age.
9
Chapter 4
The Molestation
Then maybe 7 years went by. So now I was around 10 years old. My parents had some friends who were married and had a baby son late in their marriage. At best, he was unexpected and unplanned for so my mother agreed to babysit him when the mother went to work.
I’m sure that was good for him, but it was bad for him too although he does not remember anything that happened, but I do. I sexually molested him several times.
10
Now is when things began to come together for this 50 year old. At 10 why in the world would I have done that? I had no sexual maturity to drive me so it must have been something that I was used to, in private-yes, but I knew what I was doing and I even had expected outcomes that never happened. And because I was so young it didn’t affect me at all when things didn’t happen. Nothing ever experienced, nothing missed.
Thankfully I was never caught, it was short lived and it had no effect that I know of on him.
Then a couple of years went by and there were more sexual occurrences, some of which I caused and some of which were caused by other people, but they did occur and I’ve never felt good about them.
11
Chapter 5
Adolescence
And then something more wonderful than I was capable of realizing occurred, at 12 ½ I became sexually mature. And I began a problem of simply focusing on making myself very happy.
Every night when I went to bed I masturbated. I was never caught, but I always did it. And I do not have ANY RECOLLECTION of ever talking about this with anyone or preparing for this or even anticipating this. I was totally on my own.
12
Then I got a babysitting job at the house next door for the Vice Principal of my high school. He had many books, one of which I really liked called Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask.
Finally a book that I loved! One topic: Sex and story after story that I really liked! I spent the most time, time and time again in the descriptions of homosexual sex. I never left it marked or anything like that but every time the kids went to bed I took the book into the bathroom, read it and masturbated, every time.
I didn’t talk about it with anyone, but it made a huge impression on me.
While I was growing up, there were several things going on in my home that were not normal and they abused me emotionally.
14
Case in point was that too often my parents (as I learned later) were going to have sex and before but behind closed bedroom doors my mother would laugh so loudly that she could clearly be heard by my sister and I behind our closed bedroom doors. Then it would be very quiet for a while and then my mother would get up and go into the bathroom.
Another thing that was going on is that my sister was going out of the house and on the next block and having sex with any boy that would. And being totally obsessed with meeting boys and men and having them come over to the house, my parents always approved and they would make out in her room. And she always got away with it.
15
Chapter 6
My First Marriage
At 15 I got a girlfriend and while it just seemed normal to me to do, I started having sex with her. Her family lived in a big house at the top of a hill and we could take her huge basement all to ourselves, so it is there that we had sex.
We continued that with no contraceptives until she became pregnant. We both wanted to escape from our homes, so marriage and a baby was the solution. It was perfect, it solved both of our problems!
So at 16 years old we were married. She was 4 ½ months pregnant at the wedding. Oh yes, my parents were very upset, but I was happy because soon I would be free from my home and she would be too!
16
Being free from our home looked very attractive to both my sister and I and I know for a fact that we both longed for that day.
The wedding came together very quickly and we were married in her mother’s church. I swear that I thought that everything was fine, but it wasn’t.
Because I was married now, I didn’t go to my parent’s church which caused problems in the worst way. One night after I got out of work, we saw some men from my parent’s church coming to our home, so we went home very quickly and got in the front door.
They came too and pounded on the door yelling threats at me. I wouldn’t open the door because I didn’t want to go back there.
17
They screamed and pounded and threatened me for a long time, but all I needed was to be loved and accepted like Jesus had done, but they would not do it and finally they left.
And I got a letter shortly thereafter that they had withdrawn from me and NO ONE was to have anything to do with me. And what I couldn’t figure out was how could they be called The Church of Christ and do that to 16 ½ year old me? Go figgur.
Jesus would have been kind and loving. Instead of threats, he would have offered help. Instead of POUNDING He would have and does knock softly. Nowhere in scripture are people EVER afraid of Him when He comes, but we were terrified that night! And that was The Church of Christ? No, I don’t think so because that’s not what the Bible talk’s about.
18
My son was born when I was 17 and he looked just like me! So, of course I named him my name as a junior. He came home with us to our apartment. I was very happy. Years and years of abuse had taken their toll on me and would arise again and again in the future, but right then I was very happy.
That happiness was short lived. Sex was still very important to me. My wife and I were talking one day about having sex with other people and we both decided some thing which we later did.
One day this betrothed couple came over to our house and the plan went into action. Interestingly, I don’t remember very much about that day. But I do know that we swapped partners and had sex right there on the same bed at the same time!
19
The effects of the abuse had surfaced and were having a very negative effect on my life.
At 17 I was a junior in high school, and I graduated high school that year. My wife had dropped out of school and gone to beauty school, which she dropped out of later.
But, she had contact with different people than I did and soon it was obvious that more than school was going on. And one day when she was supposed to be home she wasn’t, so I went to look for her.
20
They told me at the beauty school that she had been there that day, but that she had gone home with this guy, so I got his address and went to get her. When I got there no one would ever show themselves, so after a while I left. I’m sure that we discussed it later on, but I don’t remember a thing.
Back to my high school. I hated PE class and there were try outs for the Water Polo team and they would meet at the end of every day for two hours. What a dream! I could swim every day and not have to go to normal PE. I became a part of the team playing Water Polo!
21
I was married and a father and we were living in a house that my wife’s father had bought for us, I was graduating from high school 1 year early, I was on the Water Polo team and, I thought that life was pretty smooth (and it was for awhile…).
But only a very few years had gone by. I was now only 19 and I very deeply loved my son, but I didn’t love my wife. So, as only a 19 year old could do, I began thinking about how I could get away from her, and one day I took my clothes and left!
I told her that I was leaving, gathered my clothes and went out to the car to leave. But I will never forget that horrible scene! My son was standing at the floor to ceiling windows in his room crying and screaming DAD! And I drove away. I will always remember that.
22
Interestingly I don’t recall her reaction at all, but his will never leave me.
I went straight to my parent’s house to change residences and was successful. I very rapidly began divorce proceedings against my wife. I didn’t miss her at all but I missed my son terribly.
After I left, since she had no education and needed money to live she had two young gay men move in to pay rent and help her around the house.
I began picking up my son for the weekend every other week.
23
Right away I could tell that something was wrong with my son. He was very upset, and as his father I could tell that he was not normal and something was wrong and so I talked to him, I did care about him. He did talk to me and what he had to say really upset me.
According to what he told me, the gay men were abusing him and they always gave him a bath and during bath time, when he was naked was when it would occur.
I was very angry and wanted him to be free from that environment as soon as possible! That was my son and he was being abused and he was looking to me, his father, to help him. I was extremely upset! This was my son and he was looking to me for help! So after a weekend visitation, I kept him and would not take him home.
24
So of course my soon to be ex wife called the police on me. It’s funny to think about it now but I don’t think that there was or is now anywhere for me to go. She could go to the police but where could I go?
She was able to taken him home so I had to do something different. So I changed the divorce lawsuit to a custody battle.
I wanted to protect my son because I was his father and I loved him.
I didn’t succeed in getting custody so obviously that wasn’t in God’s plan.
25
In the meantime, I was just a normal 19 year old. I had changed jobs and was working as a teller at a local savings & loan. I really liked my job and as I was writing this I realized that all of my jobs were better than usual and I very much liked all of my jobs!
I was always trying to do something better than usual at all of my jobs. Case in point is that I was always trying to do my job better and be at a better location where I could do more. So I was at the main location for some time but then I was transferred to other branch locations.
At one of the branch locations I was a vault teller and a leader. When I had become fairly confident at what I was doing, I would begin looking for some way to excel at something else, and this one time I began taking dance lessons at a local studio and before long I was a performer and a teacher.
26
I was a star doing public appearances and teaching many classes at various locations and all for free and fun and success! I worked after the hours of my regular job and because I was living back at home and my parent’s religion thought that dancing was wrong, my parents regularly made fun of me each time before I went to the studio.
And yes I had many sexual type experiences during this time but I never did anything but reject them. Until I met my current wife.
27
Chapter 7
Our Second Marriage
We met one night at an anniversary party of some mutual friends. There were 8 years between our ages and before long we realized that we had met 8 tears before through the same couple that was having the anniversary party that night.
It may be somewhat vain to say so but it was Love at first sight. I wanted to meet her, so we met and danced together all night long! By the morning we had made arrangements to meet again.
28
And I was starting to teach a dance class in the same city where she worked so she attended the class, and soon she and I had made arrangements to meet after the class and we did! One night we stayed up all night long just talking to each other in her car at the parking lot at her work.
But this love did not supersede the love I had for my son, no I continued to see him regularly and even introduced him to her. And it went well.
I was so in love then and always have been and 30 years later I still am now. So I decided to ask her to marry me and I went shopping and bought her a ring. Then one night I gave her the ring and proposed to her.
29
She accepted! I’m sure that God was involved. Then I spoke to her parents to get their approval too and that was accepted so I also talked to our boys. Hers 7 and mine 3 and when they accepted we chose the date for the wedding to be December 2nd.
We chose a church in Belmont Shores which was close to her and went about planning the wedding. And that meant also finding a place where we could move to and live after the wedding as husband and wife and parents of two young boys.
Without question we accepted each other’s families and children as our own and in 30 years, that hasn’t changed one bit.
30
We found a house to rent that was close to her work and I moved in there, alone, 1 month prior to the wedding. That was a huge thing and it was done prior to the wedding.
At the wedding in Belmont Shores, we all (me, my son & my parents) had spent the night before at my wife’s parents house in Seal Beach. My father performed the wedding ceremony& sang our songs for each other. My wife’s parents had a reception for us at their house and both of our boys were in the wedding.
31
When my father sang our songs for each other I had given him CD’s of the artist doing each song so that he could listen to them and learn the words and the melodies for the songs. He got the words all correctly, but the melodies were somewhat obviously off when he sang them. I felt that he loved me and that was just a simple mistake. However, knowing what I know now I believe that he purposely changed some of the melodies to hopefully change the perspective of the songs. Because before he had sung such complex songs as AVE MARIA absolutely perfectly.
We stayed at The Madonna Inn for our honeymoon and that’s all that I can remember from that time. Then, I could walk and this was a new adventure that I was going to make work!
31
It’s difficult for me to remember things now, but I think that the honeymoon was great,
However, the years and years of abuse were still there and were waiting to wreak havoc on my life and I can only thank God that my wife has been so understanding.
I left the savings & loan job and went to work for Rockwell International. It was then that we began the process of adoption. We could not have children together but we desperately wanted to start a real family like our boys didn’t have.
We were actually chosen by a young pregnant woman who said that she would let us know when she had the baby, and one day we received a call that the baby had been born at Camp Pendleton so we immediately went there to see him.
32
I don’t remember much about what happened during that time, but I do recall meeting his birth mother before he was born and then seeing her again at the hospital after he had been born.
We were renting a two story condo at that time in Santa Ana California, so our new son had his own room. It is interesting that I said our son because he has always been our son. We have no problem with the fact that he was adopted, but he has always been and will always be our son.
My wife even tried to breast feed him! Interestingly, our lives as husband and wife and as parents went great! Unfortunately I don’t recall very much of the next 20 years but what I do recall I’ll tell you.
33
Then we had (made it) moved to Buena Park across the street from Knott’s Berry Farm. I landscaped the yard, put in a sprinkler system, and had an above ground pool. It was very nice and there was always something to do there.
I was just like a husband and father should be. I even put a seat on my 10 speed bike for my son and we went everywhere together. But one day we rode to the gift shops at Knott’s Berry Farm and when we were in a gift shop and I was paying I heard a loud splash and crying and when I turned around to look, it was my son!
After talking to him I found out that he had climbed to the top of this waterfall in the store and then he fell all of the way down. He was upset but ok, so we went home.
34
I also remember that he LOVED TO GET HAPPY MEALS FROM MCDONALD’S. So that is what I got him for dinner every night. And, of course he loved and ate them.
I do recall buying him a large Power Wheels truck that he could drive one year for Christmas and he loved it. He drove everywhere and could turn each direction and go forwards and backwards.
While I am writing all of this down I have realized that everything that was done was done with one objective: family. Also as I am writing this all down and having gone through what I have, I can look back now and see things just a little bit differently, actually a lot differently than I did before. And it all makes sense now.
35
Job wise, I left Rockwell because I had discovered computers and loved them, so I went to work for a software vendor.
Also, at sometime between Rockwell and the software vendor my wife and I found Christ. And I mean we really found Christ. We were truly living for Him.
While working for the software vendor I began to travel a lot! I spent a great deal of time in Philadelphia which I loved and found a great place to eat! I also went to Disneyworld in Florida, to New York (and while I was there I visited the Statue of Liberty) and also to Louisville, Kentucky. And that trip to Kentucky was extremely memorable.
36
I was not able to do anything for my customer, Jewish Hospital because they decided that they didn’t need me anymore so I didn’t go to their office, but I could hear God telling me to move there.
So I came back, told my wife, we quit our jobs, sold our house in Buena Park and bought a house in Kentucky, got my biological son to go with us and moved to Kentucky.
The drive was long but the house and acreage were more than worth it, they were stunning! We were all happy for this to be our new home.
Kentucky was far more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen! I do not remember many of the details about that, so this is just an overview of Kentucky.
37
I looked for a job very hard and finally found one at GE Consulting and was assigned to work for a project at Appliance Park for GE!
As a result I was given $500 to buy GE appliances which was perfect because we needed them in our new home. I can’t recall exactly all that we bought but at least it was: 1 washer, 1 dryer, 1 stove, 1 microwave and 1 Weber grill.
Everything seemed more than wonderful until…
When the appliances were delivered and installed (typical guy thing) I was prepared to use the new grill, so I started it.
38
Danny was with me and everything seemed just fine… It had been a little cold outside which meant nothing to a Southern California native and especially a man who just got a brand new free Weber grill!
So when I thought that the grill was ready, I took the steaks and went outside using the sliding glass doors in the kitchen and used the walkway behind the house and then I attempted to take the steps down to the garage.
It started out fine but unknown to me there
was ice on the steps! I honestly had never seen anything like that before, and two steps down I fell!
39
Typical man, I didn’t drop the steaks but I did break my left ankle! And I was in a lot
of pain, I was outside and on the ground in the driveway and I could not get up. In shock and pain I got Danny to go get my wife.
She had me lay in the backseat of the car and she drove me to a hospital. To make a very long story shorter, I left with 2
crutches, a cast on my ankle, several
bandages and very strong orders to take 8
weeks off of work!
I was sure that I would be fired and we would lose all of our free stuff. I’m sure that we turned to God. And when I called them the next morning, they were sorry about the accident and the injury but assured me that they would wait for me and that I would continue to be paid.
40
I could not believe it. A new house, a new state, a new job, new appliances, a new injury, 8 weeks off of work and it was ok! I clearly can see God’s hand in this whole thing.
So yes, I went back to work. GE was very good to me. Homesick about California? Never.
While we lived there we became involved in many things. Prayer meetings at work, Bible studies at home and at work, monthly potlucks at home, youth ministry, a group home, youth pastor ship, a home for wayward girls, etc.
Then, the lust for money took over my life so I looked for another job where I could make more money. And very quickly I took a job with an airline owned company located in Louisville.
41
At this point I hardly have any memory left. Yes I remember some people and some things but most I don’t remember at all. I do remember taking on the role of Systems Analyst in Louisville for Airlines Reporting Corporation.
I don’t remember much about that job, but I do remember applying for a promotion at that job, and I got it!
Once again my whole family and I moved across the nation. This time to Virginia! I was actually the manger of a brand new department that I could name and define.
I named it Production Support. But the effects of the abuse were still there and they were rising up within me. The odd thing to me now is that I didn’t see it.
42
I stayed with this gay man who was an ARC employee and his boyfriend at their home in Washington DC while I was working at the home office of my company in Arlington, Virginia. It seems obvious to me now, but it didn’t phase me at all then, but my abuse was beginning to take over my life.
I had magazines with pictures of naked men in them and they were fooling around with each other. I even went and watched porno flicks with just men in them. It was like reading my neighbor’s book but now it was real and in action.
But, honestly, I wouldn’t do that now. But a man’s naked body was very safe and familiar to me (probably the safest!) and betraying a mate (again) didn’t seem wrong to me.
43
I don’t know why else I would have done it. I was a normal happily married man with a great deal of success and many things to be happy with. It wasn’t as if my homelife wasn’t excellent because it was.
Another thing is that I had tons an tons of Christian experiences behind me so it’s not that I didn’t know that what I was doing was wrong, but the same self induced sexual happiness that had caused me to masturbate before had taken center stage in my life again.
When I was staying at that gay man’s home in Washington DC, one night when I was going to my room, he was posing at his bedroom and he met me while wearing only a towel around his waist and he invited me in. I was shocked but I refused the invitation and left him posing at his door.
44
But I made a good friend who was also gay and he had aids but was on a treatment to stay alive. We went to lunch together several times and then he quit the company and planned to move from Washington DC to Seattle, Washington. That was going to be a long drive, so I actually offered to go with him as a friend, nothing else but a friend.
I don’t have to wonder who got everything in motion at ARC, because there were many homosexuals there. And everyone knew who they were. Men or women, it made no difference.
I went to my friends house in Seattle if you asked me why it was because I was doing and learning things that I did not previously know how to do but needed to learn, because I even installed a real hardwood floor at his house.
45
But if you were there you would probably say that I loved men and had many boyfriends that I would have sex with and stay all night with, because that’s what I have been told.
46
Chapter 8
The Attack
I honestly remember nothing from that time. I can only tell you what I’ve been told. But I will assure you that I do not have any of those feelings now, in fact I often wonder why I did then, because I’m not that way.
So now you can see where this title came from: 1 + 1 did not = 2.
Yes it’s that simple. I couldn’t understand how this could have happened to me but after reevaluating my life now, it all makes sense.
About 9 years ago I lived in Virginia and I am told (and there are court records to back this up) that I went to this “gay” park in Seattle.
47
On 7/11/2000 I flew there and rented a car and went to the park. And these 2 men came to me and at sometime that evening I took them to dinner at KFC.
I do not remember being there or meeting them. So what I am telling you now is what I have been told by my wife.
I went long distance from Washington DC to Seattle, WA to go to the park and what makes so sense to me at all is that I had been married for over 20 years and was very happy and had traveled the world and was extremely successful and rich, why would I do that? It’s certainly NOT because that’s who I am because I’m not like that.
Now I don’t know the actual sequence of events but I am told that we met, I took them to dinner and to buy some beers, we went back to the park, and then they beat me up.
48
They stole my car and completely broke my brain stem, hit and kicked my ears until I am now deaf in my right ear, kicked me down a hill so that I could die and some people heard me crying (which is odd because I can’t cry now), and called the police and an ambulance.
And the ambulance took me to a trauma center and EVERYONE, and I mean everyone said that I would die or just be a vegetable all of my life. But I’m writing this book, so I’m not dead or a vegetable!
I actually live in an apartment and love my wife and my kids and all of God’s children, and I am still (I’ve been tested!) very intelligent.
So why?
50
That’s a good question and one that I have asked many times.
It’s as simple as faith.
God makes and takes life. So He chose to heal me.
It’s like He took the effort to teach us again the basics of faith. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, but I am very very honored that He did, and I hope you are too.
I now do not know how long I’ll live or when or how I’ll die, but He does.
So yes, 1 + 1 did not = 2 in this World, but God is not from this World. He created it.
51
Ok, so I “woke up” in the hospital in Virginia 5 years after my attack, unable to walk, not knowing one thing that had happened to me, unaware of how much time had passed by, with a TBI and most of my memory of my first 42 years of my life gone away, so basically I was lost.
My sister was talking to me regularly and
very kindly on the telephone. My parents came to visit me from Oregon to Virginia. My wife came to see me a couple of times per week and basically I was there to stay in my room and die, at least that was what I was told,
I was totally clueless about everything! My wife continually talked about me having done “gay” things which I didn’t understand at all, I was completely clueless about everything and I was sexually abused by a female nurse during a shower!
52
Then my wife asked me to decide “where” I wanted to go to live to my sister’s house in California or my parent’s house in Oregon. She said that I had to go somewhere, so I opted not to go to my parent’s house because I didn’t like their Church and since my sister said that I could live with her and I assumed that her Church was as nice as she was, I chose to go to California to live with her (a decision that I would regret deeply very soon).
And on 12-23-05 I left the hospital in Virginia and flew with my wife and my youngest son to California. I met my sister and her husband at the airport in California and went home with them (for just a few weeks, then I was put in a retirement home).
53
This was as difficult to experience as it is to recall! This was done correctly by my wife and I, but it was not a good thing for me to do.
My sister has stolen from me more than 2 thousand dollars to make her personal truck payments, more than 4 thousand to pay for her attorney and now she is suing me for more than 10 thousand dollars for her attorney. So you bet that I regret coming.
53
I was sexually abused by a male nurse also during a shower at the retirement home so thankfully I was removed from there and put in a board & care but things just got worse.
I still didn’t know what had happened to me, why I had been in a hospital, that I couldn’t walk, why I had Ataxia on my left side and I am left handed or anything! My sister, who was now my Conservator, never came to see me at my board & care but would call them and talk badly about me as I’m told. So I told my board & care that if she or her husband ever came over that I would call 911 for protection!
I had to get away from her because I was terrified! My sister was screaming at me that “God isn’t happy with you” and “you’re sending people straight to Hell” and “THE MESSAGE isn’t the Word of God”. So I went to Legal Aid to see what could be done.
54
At first I saw a man and he said: “There’s nothing that we can do”. So I immediately started praying and apologizing in my prayer to God and this wonderful woman came in and started asking me questions and told me how they would help me and that she would type up and file the papers for me. There is no question that God’s will was done then.
During that time I was told by my board & care that I was evicted and the date by which I had to move out. My sister knew that and did nothing to help & did not offer to help. So I honestly don’t know how I did it but I by myself found another board & care to go to, arranged to have them move me. All by myself.
55
One of the things that they used to tell me at a board & care was that I had to go to the bathroom every day to be normal, and since I had no memory at all, I didn’t know that was false. So I bought over the counter things to take and kept them in my room so that I could take them and they told me to give them to them or throw them away. So I just threw them away and wondered why I had to do that.
Another thing that happened to me was that I called one night to ask them to please bring me another drink and this young woman came in and said: “what do you want?” Now mind you, I had been in my room with the door closed for hours, I have a TBI and my right ear is deaf so if anything else was going on then I couldn’t hear it.
56
Then she started screaming and crying and yelled something about this woman being sick for 2 days and that she had to stay up with her and I needed another drink? What was my problem?
I was shocked and deeply hurt. I had no idea that the woman had been ill & why was she crying and screaming at me? All I had done was ask for another drink…
And she wouldn’t even speak to me after that. She was angry at me but I didn’t know why.
57
On my last day at that board & care the owner who had evicted me did not come and that was a first. The woman’s husband did come though and he was very upset that I was leaving and he told me so several times. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t leaving by my choice instead that I was leaving because I had been evicted and given a date by which I had to move.
Of course he didn’t believe me and so that was a horrible day! He gave me a shower as usual but he was so rough with me in the shower that I felt like I had been beaten up by the end of the shower.
58
I heard one of the women who had been a roommate of mine for the previous 1 ½ years talking extremely badly and wrongly about me in the kitchen so I yelled from my bedroom that what she was saying was not true.
I felt that I had been wrongfully evicted, I had to find my own place to move to and arrange my own moving, that man was suddenly mean to me, the woman who had evicted me didn’t show up to say goodbye to me and a fellow resident was hurting me so yes I was ready to go!
My ride came and they took all of my things & me to the new place. I did call the woman who ran my old board & care to ask if I could come back once a month just to touch base with the residents there and she said yes, but I never did.
59
I did contact her by email about a year later and she told me that they had sold the house to someone else, moved everyone to other places and they were no longer in business as a board & care. So it was a good thing that I moved when I did.
Because my memory is gone I can’t tell you a thing about being a child or much about my parents. One thing that did happen regarding my father and me after my attack that I do remember I’ll tell you.
Probably during Christmas of 2006 my father gave handicapped me a rock that he told me was chocolate and to eat it. So I tried and of course couldn’t and I had to spit to out which he thought was very very funny. I didn’t think it was funny at all. In fact, I couldn’t believe that he would do something like that to me.
60
There were even a couple of times that he brought up things in my past that I supposedly have done and I could not remember a thing and he knew that) that have been bothering him for YEARS. And when my wife called them to the trauma center when I was first hurt, my father said just do with him what you want, we don’t care…
My father said that? Yes.
I never gave any of this any thought, but of course now I do.
My sister repeatedly came to court by herself and fought me hard when I tried for my independence. But then I finally won! And she was very angry with me.
61
I thought that was a huge step forward for me, but I had no idea what she had done to me while she was my Conservator until 1 year later.
I started going to the Trinity Church there and even began going to the Light and Power Sunday school class there. It was a class for disabled adults! Very quickly the members of that class (there were about 40 disabled adults and 10 normal adults) became my family.
There was always great food, good lessons, nice people who really cared for you and were good friends, a Church that believed in the class and us and great fieldtrips! The teacher of the class even picked me up every Sunday for Church and class and took me home!
62
I even had the teacher and his wife go with me to a meeting with my sister and her husband so that they could observe how I was being treated by my sister and her husband.
Ok, we need to back up a little bit. I’m at the second board and care now. At that place I was always, and I mean always totally alone! The caregiver that was there was very good to me and I made a good friend (that I still call) there.
63
But the owner was a totally different story. I learned immediately that she was just in the business just for the money. Cases in point were: my caregiver was an illegal alien so she only paid her only $80.00 a month and the caregiver was the only worker that was ever there, the owner constantly hounded me for more money (I paid her over $3,000.00) and she constantly told me that people would be happy to pay $5,000.00 for my room and I found out later that she would not allow my friend who was in his early 80’s and has Alzheimer’s to have more than 3 pairs of underwear.
So I won the court case against my sister, found an apartment, gave my 30 days notice at the board & care, arranged for help to move from my Church and moved. Not a small set of tasks for a brain injured man. No indeed!
64
When I moved my oldest son (1 hrs and then 36) had agreed to move in with me, but he never showed. It was then that my wife made plans for her and my baby (1 adopted and then 22) to move from Virginia to California. So I spent 1 month alone and my baby moved in and my wife moved in with her mother to take care of her.
I’m now in my 2nd apartment which is much closer to my wife. By now I have broken 2 ribs also, but really I am fine. I see my wife & son at least once a week and I talk on the telephone to my wife every day.
This is a very different place for me to be as a human because I am trying to get back into life and as a handicapped adult that’s hard to do. But my faith keeps me strong. In fact my faith is the only thing that makes me have strength at all!
65
Think about it. All of your strength, knowledge and purpose is there one minute and gone forever the next and you know nothing about it! Welcome to my world!
And your faith is stronger than ever. Now that sounds like a strong, loving and extremely kind gift to me. How about you?
I am on a very limited income so I have to follow a budget very closely every month. But it seems natural for me to help others. It’s just who I am. From the inside out.
At this point my sister is suing me, neither she nor her husband will talk to me, my parents won’t talk to me and they all are modern day Christians separated by distance, denomination and societal views, and no one will speak to me.
66
The reason for that at one time would have been far beyond me, but now even though it is hard to take, after reviewing my past, it seems quite likely
I have now moved away from my Church and my Christian family but my faith just grows stronger. I have looked for a Church here, but I have yet to find even one that has a gathering of disabled adults, which I think is odd because disabled adults are nothing new. We’ve ALWAYS been there but we’re not accepted by any Church except the one I came from. I’m still looking.
67
Now it has come to the time to wind down this story. I’m now in my second apartment that is much closer to my wife and I see her much more often. Medically no one knows why I’m alive and they don’t know why I won’t die, I’m looking for a Church that has something for Disabled Adults and I will probably go back to college so that I can go back to work to support my family & helping everyone that I can along the way.
I don’t know how long I’ll live or when or how I’ll die, but He does and that’s enough for, me.
68
1 + 1
Did not = 2
By
Toby Hoff
Introduction
I can only tell you what I can remember.
Just let me start by telling you that you have to prepare yourself before you read this because it’s extremely dark. It wasn’t easy to live and it won’t be easy to read.
This is the story that I have to tell about my life. Some it is unbelievable and difficult, but it’s all true, so if you have the time I have the words, and I am writing this to hopefully encourage others and give some people insight into what God has done.
It’s true that nothing in my new life is easy, I don’t remember much or any of my life before the attack, but God gave me a new life, a new home, notable progress, a very good church and good Christian brothers and sisters.
So how could I complain? God (who wrote the days of my life before time began) has done an awesome job of caring for me, and an awesome job of being my Father.
I may be a handicapped adult now, but I know that I’m spending eternity with Him and THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY!
This is from The Message translation, and it means a lot to me so I wanted to share it with you:
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. 8 Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! 9 We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! 10 No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
Eph. 2:8-10
The Message
Copyright
THE MESSAGE The Bible in Contemporary Language
Copyright 2002 by Eugene Pederson, All rights reserved.
Table of Contents
Chapter Title Page
1 My birth 1
2 My Grandparents 3
3 Early Life 6
4 The Molestation 10
5 Adolescence 12
6 My First Marriage 16
7 Our Second Marriage 28
8 The Attack 47
Chapter 1
My Birth
I am 50 years old, I’ve been married for 30 years to the same wonderful woman (this time), I have 3 sons: 1 hers, 1 mine and 1 adopted and I’m a handicapped adult. I can’t walk at all, I have a Traumatic Brain Injury and I don’t remember most of the first 42 years of my life and there are several other problems that I have.
But with all of that aside, I firmly believe in God the Father, God the Son
and God the Holy Spirit, aka the Trinity. Yes, I’m a Christian and my heart & life are His. In fact, the fact that I am even alive today is His work!
1
So, lets start where I began in this world. I was born in Loma Linda, California on July 3, 1958. But before I was even born the abuse started. My mother actually spanked me before I was born. Yes, I was still in her stomach. And she brags about that in front of me! I have never heard of anything like that.
I was the second child that was born into this family (if you can call it that). My mother had 2 miscarriages before I was born and I know that because I have always been told that.
2
Chapter 2
My Grandparents
My mother’s parents were always very good to me if fact my grandmother taught me a lot of things. My grandfather died when he was only 61 and it broke my heart. My grandparents always had separate bedrooms and, while it was odd, it never bothered us kids!
Christmas was a very big deal for us because it was a big deal to my grandparents. My grandmother would buy and wrap all kinds of things like bar soap, toilet paper, dish soap, wash cloths, towels, etc. We each would have a bag for our things to take them home. The focus was always on gifts from people but never on the birth of Christ. He was never discussed.
3
My grandfather always worked out of town so at times they would get an apartment where he was working and they would stay there during the week. My sister and I have spent entire weeks with them out of town. They also introduced us to many friends they had made.
My fathers parents also lived close and we spent time with them too! They had an adopted daughter that was about the same age as my sister. In fact my sister and I even went out of town with them on vacation several times.
Several times our family would have dinner with each set of grandparents. On Sunday afternoons we would have dinner with my mother’s parents. My grandmother was always loudly cussing and my grandfather was pampered and worshipped.
4
On other days and times sometimes we would eat with my father’s parents. But there was a hard and fast rule when we got together with them: Their adopted daughter was to be noticed and respected. No matter what the occasion was, she was special and everyone was to show it. No exceptions!
5
Chapter 3
Early Life
I don’t remember much after that except for what I have been given. And the things that I do remember all relate to sex.
You may think that’s odd for such a young child to say that! And that’s ok because that’s what I thought too. So I began to reconsider what I could remember and several times I found myself asking How in the World could I have known that at such a young age? I wasn’t there sexually yet, so why would I even have done that?
So, after much time, thought and prayer I have realized that I have been sexually abused. 1 + 1 did not equal 2 so it was pretty obvious.
6
So yes I was physically abused and sexually abused too. That is a great deal to learn at 50, with several physical disabilities, on my second wife with 3 kids who all have disabilities and are now adults. But with God, I can.
Back to my birth. Sorry, that was a lot of stuff but I wanted to write it down for you. At the age of 3(?) one day at home, everyone but me was gone and I found some ink. I don’t really recall what I was doing but I do recall accidentally spilling it and it stained things. I cleaned it up but the stains were permanent.
7
When my parents got home, they saw the stains and were very angry and asked me questions about it. Now, I’ll ask you: If that had been you, and you were three and your parents were extremely angrily asking you questions what would you do? I didn’t feel good about the truth, so I lied about it!
Ask and ask, lie and lie, that’s how it went. And then my sister came to me and swore that it would be private and stay between us alone, and asked me about the ink. I felt safe and secure so I told her the truth.
I had no idea of what I had done until later on. My father them came in and told me that he knew the truth that I had lied and was then going to be punished and he beat me, very angrily with a belt until I was badly scarred. Then I cried and went to sleep. And my sister has never admitted it.
8
Then I went to my fraternal grandparents house to spend the night. At night, before bed I was taking a bath and one grandparent called the other because of the blatant marks on my body. They both asked me what had happened and so I told them. They were so upset that they talked to my father about it, but it didn’t stop there, it was always that way.
When I was young my father used to keep Playboy magazines by his side of the bed and I often looked at them. So I was introduced to some very different things at a very young age.
9
Chapter 4
The Molestation
Then maybe 7 years went by. So now I was around 10 years old. My parents had some friends who were married and had a baby son late in their marriage. At best, he was unexpected and unplanned for so my mother agreed to babysit him when the mother went to work.
I’m sure that was good for him, but it was bad for him too although he does not remember anything that happened, but I do. I sexually molested him several times.
10
Now is when things began to come together for this 50 year old. At 10 why in the world would I have done that? I had no sexual maturity to drive me so it must have been something that I was used to, in private-yes, but I knew what I was doing and I even had expected outcomes that never happened. And because I was so young it didn’t affect me at all when things didn’t happen. Nothing ever experienced, nothing missed.
Thankfully I was never caught, it was short lived and it had no effect that I know of on him.
Then a couple of years went by and there were more sexual occurrences, some of which I caused and some of which were caused by other people, but they did occur and I’ve never felt good about them.
11
Chapter 5
Adolescence
And then something more wonderful than I was capable of realizing occurred, at 12 ½ I became sexually mature. And I began a problem of simply focusing on making myself very happy.
Every night when I went to bed I masturbated. I was never caught, but I always did it. And I do not have ANY RECOLLECTION of ever talking about this with anyone or preparing for this or even anticipating this. I was totally on my own.
12
Then I got a babysitting job at the house next door for the Vice Principal of my high school. He had many books, one of which I really liked called Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask.
Finally a book that I loved! One topic: Sex and story after story that I really liked! I spent the most time, time and time again in the descriptions of homosexual sex. I never left it marked or anything like that but every time the kids went to bed I took the book into the bathroom, read it and masturbated, every time.
I didn’t talk about it with anyone, but it made a huge impression on me.
While I was growing up, there were several things going on in my home that were not normal and they abused me emotionally.
14
Case in point was that too often my parents (as I learned later) were going to have sex and before but behind closed bedroom doors my mother would laugh so loudly that she could clearly be heard by my sister and I behind our closed bedroom doors. Then it would be very quiet for a while and then my mother would get up and go into the bathroom.
Another thing that was going on is that my sister was going out of the house and on the next block and having sex with any boy that would. And being totally obsessed with meeting boys and men and having them come over to the house, my parents always approved and they would make out in her room. And she always got away with it.
15
Chapter 6
My First Marriage
At 15 I got a girlfriend and while it just seemed normal to me to do, I started having sex with her. Her family lived in a big house at the top of a hill and we could take her huge basement all to ourselves, so it is there that we had sex.
We continued that with no contraceptives until she became pregnant. We both wanted to escape from our homes, so marriage and a baby was the solution. It was perfect, it solved both of our problems!
So at 16 years old we were married. She was 4 ½ months pregnant at the wedding. Oh yes, my parents were very upset, but I was happy because soon I would be free from my home and she would be too!
16
Being free from our home looked very attractive to both my sister and I and I know for a fact that we both longed for that day.
The wedding came together very quickly and we were married in her mother’s church. I swear that I thought that everything was fine, but it wasn’t.
Because I was married now, I didn’t go to my parent’s church which caused problems in the worst way. One night after I got out of work, we saw some men from my parent’s church coming to our home, so we went home very quickly and got in the front door.
They came too and pounded on the door yelling threats at me. I wouldn’t open the door because I didn’t want to go back there.
17
They screamed and pounded and threatened me for a long time, but all I needed was to be loved and accepted like Jesus had done, but they would not do it and finally they left.
And I got a letter shortly thereafter that they had withdrawn from me and NO ONE was to have anything to do with me. And what I couldn’t figure out was how could they be called The Church of Christ and do that to 16 ½ year old me? Go figgur.
Jesus would have been kind and loving. Instead of threats, he would have offered help. Instead of POUNDING He would have and does knock softly. Nowhere in scripture are people EVER afraid of Him when He comes, but we were terrified that night! And that was The Church of Christ? No, I don’t think so because that’s not what the Bible talk’s about.
18
My son was born when I was 17 and he looked just like me! So, of course I named him my name as a junior. He came home with us to our apartment. I was very happy. Years and years of abuse had taken their toll on me and would arise again and again in the future, but right then I was very happy.
That happiness was short lived. Sex was still very important to me. My wife and I were talking one day about having sex with other people and we both decided some thing which we later did.
One day this betrothed couple came over to our house and the plan went into action. Interestingly, I don’t remember very much about that day. But I do know that we swapped partners and had sex right there on the same bed at the same time!
19
The effects of the abuse had surfaced and were having a very negative effect on my life.
At 17 I was a junior in high school, and I graduated high school that year. My wife had dropped out of school and gone to beauty school, which she dropped out of later.
But, she had contact with different people than I did and soon it was obvious that more than school was going on. And one day when she was supposed to be home she wasn’t, so I went to look for her.
20
They told me at the beauty school that she had been there that day, but that she had gone home with this guy, so I got his address and went to get her. When I got there no one would ever show themselves, so after a while I left. I’m sure that we discussed it later on, but I don’t remember a thing.
Back to my high school. I hated PE class and there were try outs for the Water Polo team and they would meet at the end of every day for two hours. What a dream! I could swim every day and not have to go to normal PE. I became a part of the team playing Water Polo!
21
I was married and a father and we were living in a house that my wife’s father had bought for us, I was graduating from high school 1 year early, I was on the Water Polo team and, I thought that life was pretty smooth (and it was for awhile…).
But only a very few years had gone by. I was now only 19 and I very deeply loved my son, but I didn’t love my wife. So, as only a 19 year old could do, I began thinking about how I could get away from her, and one day I took my clothes and left!
I told her that I was leaving, gathered my clothes and went out to the car to leave. But I will never forget that horrible scene! My son was standing at the floor to ceiling windows in his room crying and screaming DAD! And I drove away. I will always remember that.
22
Interestingly I don’t recall her reaction at all, but his will never leave me.
I went straight to my parent’s house to change residences and was successful. I very rapidly began divorce proceedings against my wife. I didn’t miss her at all but I missed my son terribly.
After I left, since she had no education and needed money to live she had two young gay men move in to pay rent and help her around the house.
I began picking up my son for the weekend every other week.
23
Right away I could tell that something was wrong with my son. He was very upset, and as his father I could tell that he was not normal and something was wrong and so I talked to him, I did care about him. He did talk to me and what he had to say really upset me.
According to what he told me, the gay men were abusing him and they always gave him a bath and during bath time, when he was naked was when it would occur.
I was very angry and wanted him to be free from that environment as soon as possible! That was my son and he was being abused and he was looking to me, his father, to help him. I was extremely upset! This was my son and he was looking to me for help! So after a weekend visitation, I kept him and would not take him home.
24
So of course my soon to be ex wife called the police on me. It’s funny to think about it now but I don’t think that there was or is now anywhere for me to go. She could go to the police but where could I go?
She was able to taken him home so I had to do something different. So I changed the divorce lawsuit to a custody battle.
I wanted to protect my son because I was his father and I loved him.
I didn’t succeed in getting custody so obviously that wasn’t in God’s plan.
25
In the meantime, I was just a normal 19 year old. I had changed jobs and was working as a teller at a local savings & loan. I really liked my job and as I was writing this I realized that all of my jobs were better than usual and I very much liked all of my jobs!
I was always trying to do something better than usual at all of my jobs. Case in point is that I was always trying to do my job better and be at a better location where I could do more. So I was at the main location for some time but then I was transferred to other branch locations.
At one of the branch locations I was a vault teller and a leader. When I had become fairly confident at what I was doing, I would begin looking for some way to excel at something else, and this one time I began taking dance lessons at a local studio and before long I was a performer and a teacher.
26
I was a star doing public appearances and teaching many classes at various locations and all for free and fun and success! I worked after the hours of my regular job and because I was living back at home and my parent’s religion thought that dancing was wrong, my parents regularly made fun of me each time before I went to the studio.
And yes I had many sexual type experiences during this time but I never did anything but reject them. Until I met my current wife.
27
Chapter 7
Our Second Marriage
We met one night at an anniversary party of some mutual friends. There were 8 years between our ages and before long we realized that we had met 8 tears before through the same couple that was having the anniversary party that night.
It may be somewhat vain to say so but it was Love at first sight. I wanted to meet her, so we met and danced together all night long! By the morning we had made arrangements to meet again.
28
And I was starting to teach a dance class in the same city where she worked so she attended the class, and soon she and I had made arrangements to meet after the class and we did! One night we stayed up all night long just talking to each other in her car at the parking lot at her work.
But this love did not supersede the love I had for my son, no I continued to see him regularly and even introduced him to her. And it went well.
I was so in love then and always have been and 30 years later I still am now. So I decided to ask her to marry me and I went shopping and bought her a ring. Then one night I gave her the ring and proposed to her.
29
She accepted! I’m sure that God was involved. Then I spoke to her parents to get their approval too and that was accepted so I also talked to our boys. Hers 7 and mine 3 and when they accepted we chose the date for the wedding to be December 2nd.
We chose a church in Belmont Shores which was close to her and went about planning the wedding. And that meant also finding a place where we could move to and live after the wedding as husband and wife and parents of two young boys.
Without question we accepted each other’s families and children as our own and in 30 years, that hasn’t changed one bit.
30
We found a house to rent that was close to her work and I moved in there, alone, 1 month prior to the wedding. That was a huge thing and it was done prior to the wedding.
At the wedding in Belmont Shores, we all (me, my son & my parents) had spent the night before at my wife’s parents house in Seal Beach. My father performed the wedding ceremony& sang our songs for each other. My wife’s parents had a reception for us at their house and both of our boys were in the wedding.
31
When my father sang our songs for each other I had given him CD’s of the artist doing each song so that he could listen to them and learn the words and the melodies for the songs. He got the words all correctly, but the melodies were somewhat obviously off when he sang them. I felt that he loved me and that was just a simple mistake. However, knowing what I know now I believe that he purposely changed some of the melodies to hopefully change the perspective of the songs. Because before he had sung such complex songs as AVE MARIA absolutely perfectly.
We stayed at The Madonna Inn for our honeymoon and that’s all that I can remember from that time. Then, I could walk and this was a new adventure that I was going to make work!
31
It’s difficult for me to remember things now, but I think that the honeymoon was great,
However, the years and years of abuse were still there and were waiting to wreak havoc on my life and I can only thank God that my wife has been so understanding.
I left the savings & loan job and went to work for Rockwell International. It was then that we began the process of adoption. We could not have children together but we desperately wanted to start a real family like our boys didn’t have.
We were actually chosen by a young pregnant woman who said that she would let us know when she had the baby, and one day we received a call that the baby had been born at Camp Pendleton so we immediately went there to see him.
32
I don’t remember much about what happened during that time, but I do recall meeting his birth mother before he was born and then seeing her again at the hospital after he had been born.
We were renting a two story condo at that time in Santa Ana California, so our new son had his own room. It is interesting that I said our son because he has always been our son. We have no problem with the fact that he was adopted, but he has always been and will always be our son.
My wife even tried to breast feed him! Interestingly, our lives as husband and wife and as parents went great! Unfortunately I don’t recall very much of the next 20 years but what I do recall I’ll tell you.
33
Then we had (made it) moved to Buena Park across the street from Knott’s Berry Farm. I landscaped the yard, put in a sprinkler system, and had an above ground pool. It was very nice and there was always something to do there.
I was just like a husband and father should be. I even put a seat on my 10 speed bike for my son and we went everywhere together. But one day we rode to the gift shops at Knott’s Berry Farm and when we were in a gift shop and I was paying I heard a loud splash and crying and when I turned around to look, it was my son!
After talking to him I found out that he had climbed to the top of this waterfall in the store and then he fell all of the way down. He was upset but ok, so we went home.
34
I also remember that he LOVED TO GET HAPPY MEALS FROM MCDONALD’S. So that is what I got him for dinner every night. And, of course he loved and ate them.
I do recall buying him a large Power Wheels truck that he could drive one year for Christmas and he loved it. He drove everywhere and could turn each direction and go forwards and backwards.
While I am writing all of this down I have realized that everything that was done was done with one objective: family. Also as I am writing this all down and having gone through what I have, I can look back now and see things just a little bit differently, actually a lot differently than I did before. And it all makes sense now.
35
Job wise, I left Rockwell because I had discovered computers and loved them, so I went to work for a software vendor.
Also, at sometime between Rockwell and the software vendor my wife and I found Christ. And I mean we really found Christ. We were truly living for Him.
While working for the software vendor I began to travel a lot! I spent a great deal of time in Philadelphia which I loved and found a great place to eat! I also went to Disneyworld in Florida, to New York (and while I was there I visited the Statue of Liberty) and also to Louisville, Kentucky. And that trip to Kentucky was extremely memorable.
36
I was not able to do anything for my customer, Jewish Hospital because they decided that they didn’t need me anymore so I didn’t go to their office, but I could hear God telling me to move there.
So I came back, told my wife, we quit our jobs, sold our house in Buena Park and bought a house in Kentucky, got my biological son to go with us and moved to Kentucky.
The drive was long but the house and acreage were more than worth it, they were stunning! We were all happy for this to be our new home.
Kentucky was far more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen! I do not remember many of the details about that, so this is just an overview of Kentucky.
37
I looked for a job very hard and finally found one at GE Consulting and was assigned to work for a project at Appliance Park for GE!
As a result I was given $500 to buy GE appliances which was perfect because we needed them in our new home. I can’t recall exactly all that we bought but at least it was: 1 washer, 1 dryer, 1 stove, 1 microwave and 1 Weber grill.
Everything seemed more than wonderful until…
When the appliances were delivered and installed (typical guy thing) I was prepared to use the new grill, so I started it.
38
Danny was with me and everything seemed just fine… It had been a little cold outside which meant nothing to a Southern California native and especially a man who just got a brand new free Weber grill!
So when I thought that the grill was ready, I took the steaks and went outside using the sliding glass doors in the kitchen and used the walkway behind the house and then I attempted to take the steps down to the garage.
It started out fine but unknown to me there
was ice on the steps! I honestly had never seen anything like that before, and two steps down I fell!
39
Typical man, I didn’t drop the steaks but I did break my left ankle! And I was in a lot
of pain, I was outside and on the ground in the driveway and I could not get up. In shock and pain I got Danny to go get my wife.
She had me lay in the backseat of the car and she drove me to a hospital. To make a very long story shorter, I left with 2
crutches, a cast on my ankle, several
bandages and very strong orders to take 8
weeks off of work!
I was sure that I would be fired and we would lose all of our free stuff. I’m sure that we turned to God. And when I called them the next morning, they were sorry about the accident and the injury but assured me that they would wait for me and that I would continue to be paid.
40
I could not believe it. A new house, a new state, a new job, new appliances, a new injury, 8 weeks off of work and it was ok! I clearly can see God’s hand in this whole thing.
So yes, I went back to work. GE was very good to me. Homesick about California? Never.
While we lived there we became involved in many things. Prayer meetings at work, Bible studies at home and at work, monthly potlucks at home, youth ministry, a group home, youth pastor ship, a home for wayward girls, etc.
Then, the lust for money took over my life so I looked for another job where I could make more money. And very quickly I took a job with an airline owned company located in Louisville.
41
At this point I hardly have any memory left. Yes I remember some people and some things but most I don’t remember at all. I do remember taking on the role of Systems Analyst in Louisville for Airlines Reporting Corporation.
I don’t remember much about that job, but I do remember applying for a promotion at that job, and I got it!
Once again my whole family and I moved across the nation. This time to Virginia! I was actually the manger of a brand new department that I could name and define.
I named it Production Support. But the effects of the abuse were still there and they were rising up within me. The odd thing to me now is that I didn’t see it.
42
I stayed with this gay man who was an ARC employee and his boyfriend at their home in Washington DC while I was working at the home office of my company in Arlington, Virginia. It seems obvious to me now, but it didn’t phase me at all then, but my abuse was beginning to take over my life.
I had magazines with pictures of naked men in them and they were fooling around with each other. I even went and watched porno flicks with just men in them. It was like reading my neighbor’s book but now it was real and in action.
But, honestly, I wouldn’t do that now. But a man’s naked body was very safe and familiar to me (probably the safest!) and betraying a mate (again) didn’t seem wrong to me.
43
I don’t know why else I would have done it. I was a normal happily married man with a great deal of success and many things to be happy with. It wasn’t as if my homelife wasn’t excellent because it was.
Another thing is that I had tons an tons of Christian experiences behind me so it’s not that I didn’t know that what I was doing was wrong, but the same self induced sexual happiness that had caused me to masturbate before had taken center stage in my life again.
When I was staying at that gay man’s home in Washington DC, one night when I was going to my room, he was posing at his bedroom and he met me while wearing only a towel around his waist and he invited me in. I was shocked but I refused the invitation and left him posing at his door.
44
But I made a good friend who was also gay and he had aids but was on a treatment to stay alive. We went to lunch together several times and then he quit the company and planned to move from Washington DC to Seattle, Washington. That was going to be a long drive, so I actually offered to go with him as a friend, nothing else but a friend.
I don’t have to wonder who got everything in motion at ARC, because there were many homosexuals there. And everyone knew who they were. Men or women, it made no difference.
I went to my friends house in Seattle if you asked me why it was because I was doing and learning things that I did not previously know how to do but needed to learn, because I even installed a real hardwood floor at his house.
45
But if you were there you would probably say that I loved men and had many boyfriends that I would have sex with and stay all night with, because that’s what I have been told.
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Chapter 8
The Attack
I honestly remember nothing from that time. I can only tell you what I’ve been told. But I will assure you that I do not have any of those feelings now, in fact I often wonder why I did then, because I’m not that way.
So now you can see where this title came from: 1 + 1 did not = 2.
Yes it’s that simple. I couldn’t understand how this could have happened to me but after reevaluating my life now, it all makes sense.
About 9 years ago I lived in Virginia and I am told (and there are court records to back this up) that I went to this “gay” park in Seattle.
47
On 7/11/2000 I flew there and rented a car and went to the park. And these 2 men came to me and at sometime that evening I took them to dinner at KFC.
I do not remember being there or meeting them. So what I am telling you now is what I have been told by my wife.
I went long distance from Washington DC to Seattle, WA to go to the park and what makes so sense to me at all is that I had been married for over 20 years and was very happy and had traveled the world and was extremely successful and rich, why would I do that? It’s certainly NOT because that’s who I am because I’m not like that.
Now I don’t know the actual sequence of events but I am told that we met, I took them to dinner and to buy some beers, we went back to the park, and then they beat me up.
48
They stole my car and completely broke my brain stem, hit and kicked my ears until I am now deaf in my right ear, kicked me down a hill so that I could die and some people heard me crying (which is odd because I can’t cry now), and called the police and an ambulance.
And the ambulance took me to a trauma center and EVERYONE, and I mean everyone said that I would die or just be a vegetable all of my life. But I’m writing this book, so I’m not dead or a vegetable!
I actually live in an apartment and love my wife and my kids and all of God’s children, and I am still (I’ve been tested!) very intelligent.
So why?
50
That’s a good question and one that I have asked many times.
It’s as simple as faith.
God makes and takes life. So He chose to heal me.
It’s like He took the effort to teach us again the basics of faith. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, but I am very very honored that He did, and I hope you are too.
I now do not know how long I’ll live or when or how I’ll die, but He does.
So yes, 1 + 1 did not = 2 in this World, but God is not from this World. He created it.
51
Ok, so I “woke up” in the hospital in Virginia 5 years after my attack, unable to walk, not knowing one thing that had happened to me, unaware of how much time had passed by, with a TBI and most of my memory of my first 42 years of my life gone away, so basically I was lost.
My sister was talking to me regularly and
very kindly on the telephone. My parents came to visit me from Oregon to Virginia. My wife came to see me a couple of times per week and basically I was there to stay in my room and die, at least that was what I was told,
I was totally clueless about everything! My wife continually talked about me having done “gay” things which I didn’t understand at all, I was completely clueless about everything and I was sexually abused by a female nurse during a shower!
52
Then my wife asked me to decide “where” I wanted to go to live to my sister’s house in California or my parent’s house in Oregon. She said that I had to go somewhere, so I opted not to go to my parent’s house because I didn’t like their Church and since my sister said that I could live with her and I assumed that her Church was as nice as she was, I chose to go to California to live with her (a decision that I would regret deeply very soon).
And on 12-23-05 I left the hospital in Virginia and flew with my wife and my youngest son to California. I met my sister and her husband at the airport in California and went home with them (for just a few weeks, then I was put in a retirement home).
53
This was as difficult to experience as it is to recall! This was done correctly by my wife and I, but it was not a good thing for me to do.
My sister has stolen from me more than 2 thousand dollars to make her personal truck payments, more than 4 thousand to pay for her attorney and now she is suing me for more than 10 thousand dollars for her attorney. So you bet that I regret coming.
53
I was sexually abused by a male nurse also during a shower at the retirement home so thankfully I was removed from there and put in a board & care but things just got worse.
I still didn’t know what had happened to me, why I had been in a hospital, that I couldn’t walk, why I had Ataxia on my left side and I am left handed or anything! My sister, who was now my Conservator, never came to see me at my board & care but would call them and talk badly about me as I’m told. So I told my board & care that if she or her husband ever came over that I would call 911 for protection!
I had to get away from her because I was terrified! My sister was screaming at me that “God isn’t happy with you” and “you’re sending people straight to Hell” and “THE MESSAGE isn’t the Word of God”. So I went to Legal Aid to see what could be done.
54
At first I saw a man and he said: “There’s nothing that we can do”. So I immediately started praying and apologizing in my prayer to God and this wonderful woman came in and started asking me questions and told me how they would help me and that she would type up and file the papers for me. There is no question that God’s will was done then.
During that time I was told by my board & care that I was evicted and the date by which I had to move out. My sister knew that and did nothing to help & did not offer to help. So I honestly don’t know how I did it but I by myself found another board & care to go to, arranged to have them move me. All by myself.
55
One of the things that they used to tell me at a board & care was that I had to go to the bathroom every day to be normal, and since I had no memory at all, I didn’t know that was false. So I bought over the counter things to take and kept them in my room so that I could take them and they told me to give them to them or throw them away. So I just threw them away and wondered why I had to do that.
Another thing that happened to me was that I called one night to ask them to please bring me another drink and this young woman came in and said: “what do you want?” Now mind you, I had been in my room with the door closed for hours, I have a TBI and my right ear is deaf so if anything else was going on then I couldn’t hear it.
56
Then she started screaming and crying and yelled something about this woman being sick for 2 days and that she had to stay up with her and I needed another drink? What was my problem?
I was shocked and deeply hurt. I had no idea that the woman had been ill & why was she crying and screaming at me? All I had done was ask for another drink…
And she wouldn’t even speak to me after that. She was angry at me but I didn’t know why.
57
On my last day at that board & care the owner who had evicted me did not come and that was a first. The woman’s husband did come though and he was very upset that I was leaving and he told me so several times. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t leaving by my choice instead that I was leaving because I had been evicted and given a date by which I had to move.
Of course he didn’t believe me and so that was a horrible day! He gave me a shower as usual but he was so rough with me in the shower that I felt like I had been beaten up by the end of the shower.
58
I heard one of the women who had been a roommate of mine for the previous 1 ½ years talking extremely badly and wrongly about me in the kitchen so I yelled from my bedroom that what she was saying was not true.
I felt that I had been wrongfully evicted, I had to find my own place to move to and arrange my own moving, that man was suddenly mean to me, the woman who had evicted me didn’t show up to say goodbye to me and a fellow resident was hurting me so yes I was ready to go!
My ride came and they took all of my things & me to the new place. I did call the woman who ran my old board & care to ask if I could come back once a month just to touch base with the residents there and she said yes, but I never did.
59
I did contact her by email about a year later and she told me that they had sold the house to someone else, moved everyone to other places and they were no longer in business as a board & care. So it was a good thing that I moved when I did.
Because my memory is gone I can’t tell you a thing about being a child or much about my parents. One thing that did happen regarding my father and me after my attack that I do remember I’ll tell you.
Probably during Christmas of 2006 my father gave handicapped me a rock that he told me was chocolate and to eat it. So I tried and of course couldn’t and I had to spit to out which he thought was very very funny. I didn’t think it was funny at all. In fact, I couldn’t believe that he would do something like that to me.
60
There were even a couple of times that he brought up things in my past that I supposedly have done and I could not remember a thing and he knew that) that have been bothering him for YEARS. And when my wife called them to the trauma center when I was first hurt, my father said just do with him what you want, we don’t care…
My father said that? Yes.
I never gave any of this any thought, but of course now I do.
My sister repeatedly came to court by herself and fought me hard when I tried for my independence. But then I finally won! And she was very angry with me.
61
I thought that was a huge step forward for me, but I had no idea what she had done to me while she was my Conservator until 1 year later.
I started going to the Trinity Church there and even began going to the Light and Power Sunday school class there. It was a class for disabled adults! Very quickly the members of that class (there were about 40 disabled adults and 10 normal adults) became my family.
There was always great food, good lessons, nice people who really cared for you and were good friends, a Church that believed in the class and us and great fieldtrips! The teacher of the class even picked me up every Sunday for Church and class and took me home!
62
I even had the teacher and his wife go with me to a meeting with my sister and her husband so that they could observe how I was being treated by my sister and her husband.
Ok, we need to back up a little bit. I’m at the second board and care now. At that place I was always, and I mean always totally alone! The caregiver that was there was very good to me and I made a good friend (that I still call) there.
63
But the owner was a totally different story. I learned immediately that she was just in the business just for the money. Cases in point were: my caregiver was an illegal alien so she only paid her only $80.00 a month and the caregiver was the only worker that was ever there, the owner constantly hounded me for more money (I paid her over $3,000.00) and she constantly told me that people would be happy to pay $5,000.00 for my room and I found out later that she would not allow my friend who was in his early 80’s and has Alzheimer’s to have more than 3 pairs of underwear.
So I won the court case against my sister, found an apartment, gave my 30 days notice at the board & care, arranged for help to move from my Church and moved. Not a small set of tasks for a brain injured man. No indeed!
64
When I moved my oldest son (1 hrs and then 36) had agreed to move in with me, but he never showed. It was then that my wife made plans for her and my baby (1 adopted and then 22) to move from Virginia to California. So I spent 1 month alone and my baby moved in and my wife moved in with her mother to take care of her.
I’m now in my 2nd apartment which is much closer to my wife. By now I have broken 2 ribs also, but really I am fine. I see my wife & son at least once a week and I talk on the telephone to my wife every day.
This is a very different place for me to be as a human because I am trying to get back into life and as a handicapped adult that’s hard to do. But my faith keeps me strong. In fact my faith is the only thing that makes me have strength at all!
65
Think about it. All of your strength, knowledge and purpose is there one minute and gone forever the next and you know nothing about it! Welcome to my world!
And your faith is stronger than ever. Now that sounds like a strong, loving and extremely kind gift to me. How about you?
I am on a very limited income so I have to follow a budget very closely every month. But it seems natural for me to help others. It’s just who I am. From the inside out.
At this point my sister is suing me, neither she nor her husband will talk to me, my parents won’t talk to me and they all are modern day Christians separated by distance, denomination and societal views, and no one will speak to me.
66
The reason for that at one time would have been far beyond me, but now even though it is hard to take, after reviewing my past, it seems quite likely
I have now moved away from my Church and my Christian family but my faith just grows stronger. I have looked for a Church here, but I have yet to find even one that has a gathering of disabled adults, which I think is odd because disabled adults are nothing new. We’ve ALWAYS been there but we’re not accepted by any Church except the one I came from. I’m still looking.
67
Now it has come to the time to wind down this story. I’m now in my second apartment that is much closer to my wife and I see her much more often. Medically no one knows why I’m alive and they don’t know why I won’t die, I’m looking for a Church that has something for Disabled Adults and I will probably go back to college so that I can go back to work to support my family & helping everyone that I can along the way.
I don’t know how long I’ll live or when or how I’ll die, but He does and that’s enough for, me.
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Sunday, February 26, 2012
Jer 35:14-16
14'The commands of Jonadab son of Recab to his sons have been carried out to the letter. He told them not to drink wine, and they haven't touched a drop to this very day. They honored and obeyed their ancestor's command. But look at you! I have gone to a lot of trouble to get your attention, and you've ignored me. 15 I sent prophet after prophet to you, all of them my servants, to tell you from early morning to late at night to change your life, make a clean break with your evil past and do what is right, to not take up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry of a god that comes down the pike, but settle down and be faithful in this country I gave your ancestors.
"'And what do I get from you? Deaf ears.
Humans are quick to obey each other but not the God who made them all!
14'The commands of Jonadab son of Recab to his sons have been carried out to the letter. He told them not to drink wine, and they haven't touched a drop to this very day. They honored and obeyed their ancestor's command. But look at you! I have gone to a lot of trouble to get your attention, and you've ignored me. 15 I sent prophet after prophet to you, all of them my servants, to tell you from early morning to late at night to change your life, make a clean break with your evil past and do what is right, to not take up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry of a god that comes down the pike, but settle down and be faithful in this country I gave your ancestors.
"'And what do I get from you? Deaf ears.
Humans are quick to obey each other but not the God who made them all!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Humans are most happy when they feel that they have done something very big and very right which to me makes no sense because I can’t even estimate how big and or right their creation by God was and no one ever celebrates what God has done so why do humans need any celebration now? Isn’t that very after the fact?
I’ve just got to ask you to be a little more realistic than usual.
When Adam & Eve were created there are many things that are not mentioned in scripture that they had such as make up, hair products and fashions. For the children of Israel scriptures don’t say that they had many things either but they did just fine. However we must have many things to, as we say, survive however there is a consideral difference between what we say that we MUST have and what scriptures tell us that they had. So perhaps we don’t actually have to have all that we say that we must have, because I don’t have much but I never miss anything. So it sounds like it’s time for us to be more realistic.
When Adam & Eve were created there are many things that are not mentioned in scripture that they had such as make up, hair products and fashions. For the children of Israel scriptures don’t say that they had many things either but they did just fine. However we must have many things to, as we say, survive however there is a consideral difference between what we say that we MUST have and what scriptures tell us that they had. So perhaps we don’t actually have to have all that we say that we must have, because I don’t have much but I never miss anything. So it sounds like it’s time for us to be more realistic.
Jer 11:4
4 The terms are clear. I made them plain to your ancestors when I delivered them from Egypt, out of the iron furnace of suffering.
"'Obey what I tell you. Do exactly what I command you. Your obedience will close the deal.
Your obedience will close the deal. Now that’s pretty clear. Many times people say: If you do this or if you do that-like a test and being very specific as if God expects perfection from imperfect people.
4 The terms are clear. I made them plain to your ancestors when I delivered them from Egypt, out of the iron furnace of suffering.
"'Obey what I tell you. Do exactly what I command you. Your obedience will close the deal.
Your obedience will close the deal. Now that’s pretty clear. Many times people say: If you do this or if you do that-like a test and being very specific as if God expects perfection from imperfect people.
Jer 9:23-24
"Don't let the wise brag of their wisdom. Don't let heroes brag of their exploits. Don't let the rich brag of their riches. 24 If you brag, brag of this and this only: That you understand and know me. I'm GOD, and I act in loyal love. I do what's right and set things right and fair, and delight in those who do the same things. These are my trademarks." GOD's Decree.
"Don't let the wise brag of their wisdom. Don't let heroes brag of their exploits. Don't let the rich brag of their riches. 24 If you brag, brag of this and this only: That you understand and know me. I'm GOD, and I act in loyal love. I do what's right and set things right and fair, and delight in those who do the same things. These are my trademarks." GOD's Decree.
Jer 5:24-25
24 It never occurs to you to say, 'How can we honor our GOD with our lives, The God who gives rain in both spring and autumn and maintains the rhythm of the seasons, Who sets aside time each year for harvest and keeps everything running smoothly for us?' 25 Of course you don't! Your bad behavior blinds you to all this.
24 It never occurs to you to say, 'How can we honor our GOD with our lives, The God who gives rain in both spring and autumn and maintains the rhythm of the seasons, Who sets aside time each year for harvest and keeps everything running smoothly for us?' 25 Of course you don't! Your bad behavior blinds you to all this.
Humans base not only their careers but anything that they accomplish on the things of this world, however, they were formed by God in the womb and ALL the days of their lives were known by God BEFORE they had lived one day so BEFORE they were born God knew everything about their lives! This puts an entirely different perspective on “what you can accomplish” because before you were even born God knew what you would accomplish and you were still born! Remember that the reason that we are here is to bring God glory and Satan who is managing this Earth doesn’t like that! He has tried from the beginning to base accomplishment on what you do and so the world backs that up.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Isa 66:1-2
GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? 2 I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? 2 I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
Isa 59:15-18
GOD looked and saw evil looming on the horizon — so much evil and no sign of Justice. 16 He couldn't believe what he saw: not a soul around to correct this awful situation. So he did it himself, took on the work of Salvation, fueled by his own Righteousness. 17 He dressed in Righteousness, put it on like a suit of armor, with Salvation on his head like a helmet, Put on Judgment like an overcoat, and threw a cloak of Passion across his shoulders. 18 He'll make everyone pay for what they've done: fury for his foes, just deserts for his enemies.
GOD looked and saw evil looming on the horizon — so much evil and no sign of Justice. 16 He couldn't believe what he saw: not a soul around to correct this awful situation. So he did it himself, took on the work of Salvation, fueled by his own Righteousness. 17 He dressed in Righteousness, put it on like a suit of armor, with Salvation on his head like a helmet, Put on Judgment like an overcoat, and threw a cloak of Passion across his shoulders. 18 He'll make everyone pay for what they've done: fury for his foes, just deserts for his enemies.
Isa 53:2-10
2 The servant grew up before God — a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. 3 He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. 4 But the fact is, it was our pains he carried — our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. 5 But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him — our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. 6 We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And GOD has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him. 7 He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence. 8 Justice miscarried, and he was led off — and did anyone really know what was happening? He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people. 9 They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man, Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.
10 Still, it's what GOD had in mind all along, to crush him with pain. The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it — life, life, and more life. And GOD's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Can you say selfless?
2 The servant grew up before God — a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. 3 He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. 4 But the fact is, it was our pains he carried — our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. 5 But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him — our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. 6 We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And GOD has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him. 7 He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence. 8 Justice miscarried, and he was led off — and did anyone really know what was happening? He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people. 9 They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man, Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.
10 Still, it's what GOD had in mind all along, to crush him with pain. The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it — life, life, and more life. And GOD's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Can you say selfless?
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I am very happy that I am where I am which probably seems odd to you but I read the Bible every day and if I was as you are then I don’t know that I would be going to Heaven because what I read is not good for the World as a whole. To know that God has done what He has for me makes me feel very good about my eternal future but based on what He has said in the Bible the road IS slim and since He is OMNI, He knows the future which is something that we, as humans, don’t know.
Isa 44:24-25
24 GOD, your Redeemer, who shaped your life in your mother's womb, says: "I am GOD. I made all that is. With no help from you I spread out the skies and laid out the earth." 25 He makes the magicians look ridiculous and turns fortunetellers into jokes. He makes the experts look trivial and their latest knowledge look silly.
24 GOD, your Redeemer, who shaped your life in your mother's womb, says: "I am GOD. I made all that is. With no help from you I spread out the skies and laid out the earth." 25 He makes the magicians look ridiculous and turns fortunetellers into jokes. He makes the experts look trivial and their latest knowledge look silly.
Isa 38:2-3
2 Hezekiah turned away from Isaiah and, facing the wall, prayed to GOD: 3 "GOD, please, I beg you: Remember how I've lived my life. I've lived faithfully in your presence, lived out of a heart that was totally yours. You've seen how I've lived, the good that I have done."
I wish that I could pray this but I can’t. Now yes but before NO!
2 Hezekiah turned away from Isaiah and, facing the wall, prayed to GOD: 3 "GOD, please, I beg you: Remember how I've lived my life. I've lived faithfully in your presence, lived out of a heart that was totally yours. You've seen how I've lived, the good that I have done."
I wish that I could pray this but I can’t. Now yes but before NO!
Isa 34:1-2
Draw in close now, nations. Listen carefully, you people. Pay attention! Earth, you too, and everything in you. World, and all that comes from you. 2 And here's why: GOD is angry, good and angry with all the nations, So blazingly angry at their arms and armies that he's going to rid earth of them, wipe them out.
Draw in close now, nations. Listen carefully, you people. Pay attention! Earth, you too, and everything in you. World, and all that comes from you. 2 And here's why: GOD is angry, good and angry with all the nations, So blazingly angry at their arms and armies that he's going to rid earth of them, wipe them out.
The #1 thing that I have encountered is that I am no longer eye candy. Before I was hurt I spent a great deal of time making myself to be more acceptable aka eye candy but now everything about me is not eye candy! I don’t get dressed, I NEVER look in the mirror, I have another person shower me and sometimes I have problems.
I am relatively young but I am not eye candy and people don’t like that!
The first sin in the Bible (before they ate the fruit) was about eye candy and the first time that Adam & Eve hid from God was because they knew that they were not eye candy and then opinions joined in with that.
I am relatively young but I am not eye candy and people don’t like that!
The first sin in the Bible (before they ate the fruit) was about eye candy and the first time that Adam & Eve hid from God was because they knew that they were not eye candy and then opinions joined in with that.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Isa 24:1-3
Danger ahead! GOD's about to ravish the earth and leave it in ruins, Rip everything out by the roots and send everyone scurrying: 2 priests and laypeople alike, owners and workers alike, celebrities and nobodies alike, buyers and sellers alike, bankers and beggars alike, the haves and have-nots alike. 3 The landscape will be a moonscape, totally wasted. And why? Because GOD says so. He's issued the orders.
Danger ahead! GOD's about to ravish the earth and leave it in ruins, Rip everything out by the roots and send everyone scurrying: 2 priests and laypeople alike, owners and workers alike, celebrities and nobodies alike, buyers and sellers alike, bankers and beggars alike, the haves and have-nots alike. 3 The landscape will be a moonscape, totally wasted. And why? Because GOD says so. He's issued the orders.
Isa 11:1-5
A green Shoot will sprout from Jesse's stump, from his roots a budding Branch. 2 The life-giving Spirit of GOD will hover over him, the Spirit that brings wisdom and understanding, The Spirit that gives direction and builds strength, the Spirit that instills knowledge and Fear-of-GOD. 3 Fear-of-GOD will be all his joy and delight. He won't judge by appearances, won't decide on the basis of hearsay. 4 He'll judge the needy by what is right, render decisions on earth's poor with justice. His words will bring everyone to awed attention. A mere breath from his lips will topple the wicked. 5 Each morning he'll pull on sturdy work clothes and boots, and build righteousness and faithfulness in the land.
A green Shoot will sprout from Jesse's stump…
A green Shoot will sprout from Jesse's stump, from his roots a budding Branch. 2 The life-giving Spirit of GOD will hover over him, the Spirit that brings wisdom and understanding, The Spirit that gives direction and builds strength, the Spirit that instills knowledge and Fear-of-GOD. 3 Fear-of-GOD will be all his joy and delight. He won't judge by appearances, won't decide on the basis of hearsay. 4 He'll judge the needy by what is right, render decisions on earth's poor with justice. His words will bring everyone to awed attention. A mere breath from his lips will topple the wicked. 5 Each morning he'll pull on sturdy work clothes and boots, and build righteousness and faithfulness in the land.
A green Shoot will sprout from Jesse's stump…
Isa 9:6-8
6 For a child has been born — for us! the gift of a son — for us! He'll take over the running of the world. His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness. 7 His ruling authority will grow, and there'll be no limits to the wholeness he brings. He'll rule from the historic David throne over that promised kingdom. He'll put that kingdom on a firm footing and keep it going With fair dealing and right living, beginning now and lasting always. The zeal of GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies will do all this.
6 For a child has been born — for us! the gift of a son — for us! He'll take over the running of the world. His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness. 7 His ruling authority will grow, and there'll be no limits to the wholeness he brings. He'll rule from the historic David throne over that promised kingdom. He'll put that kingdom on a firm footing and keep it going With fair dealing and right living, beginning now and lasting always. The zeal of GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies will do all this.
Isa 8:12-15
2 "Don't be like this people (who are these people? The world!), always afraid somebody is plotting against them. Don't fear what they fear. Don't take on their worries. 13 If you're going to worry, worry about The Holy. Fear GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies. 14 The Holy can be either a Hiding Place or a Boulder blocking your way, The Rock standing in the willful way of both houses of Israel, A barbed-wire Fence preventing trespass to the citizens of Jerusalem. 15 Many of them are going to run into that Rock and get their bones broken, Get tangled up in that barbed wire and not get free of it."
2 "Don't be like this people (who are these people? The world!), always afraid somebody is plotting against them. Don't fear what they fear. Don't take on their worries. 13 If you're going to worry, worry about The Holy. Fear GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies. 14 The Holy can be either a Hiding Place or a Boulder blocking your way, The Rock standing in the willful way of both houses of Israel, A barbed-wire Fence preventing trespass to the citizens of Jerusalem. 15 Many of them are going to run into that Rock and get their bones broken, Get tangled up in that barbed wire and not get free of it."
Isa 7:13-15
13 So Isaiah told him, "Then listen to this, government of David! It's bad enough that you make people tired with your pious, timid hypocrisies, but now you're making God tired. 14 So the Master is going to give you a sign anyway. Watch for this: A girl who is presently a virgin will get pregnant. She'll bear a son and name him Immanuel (God-With-Us). 15 By the time the child is twelve years old, able to make moral decisions
THIS WAS ABOUT JESUS!
13 So Isaiah told him, "Then listen to this, government of David! It's bad enough that you make people tired with your pious, timid hypocrisies, but now you're making God tired. 14 So the Master is going to give you a sign anyway. Watch for this: A girl who is presently a virgin will get pregnant. She'll bear a son and name him Immanuel (God-With-Us). 15 By the time the child is twelve years old, able to make moral decisions
THIS WAS ABOUT JESUS!
Isa 5:7-8
7 Do you get it? The vineyard of GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies is the country of Israel. All the men and women of Judah are the garden he was so proud of. He looked for a crop of justice and saw them murdering each other. He looked for a harvest of righteousness and heard only the moans of victims.
this is in the Bible but it is never taught.
7 Do you get it? The vineyard of GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies is the country of Israel. All the men and women of Judah are the garden he was so proud of. He looked for a crop of justice and saw them murdering each other. He looked for a harvest of righteousness and heard only the moans of victims.
this is in the Bible but it is never taught.
Isa 2:1-4
2 There's a day coming when the mountain of GOD's House Will be The Mountain — solid, towering over all mountains. All nations will river toward it, people from all over set out for it. 3 They'll say, "Come, let's climb GOD's Mountain, go to the House of the God of Jacob. He'll show us the way he works so we can live the way we're made." Zion's the source of the revelation. GOD's Message comes from Jerusalem. 4 He'll settle things fairly between nations. He'll make things right between many peoples. They'll turn their swords into shovels, their spears into hoes
This is what SHOULD happen.
2 There's a day coming when the mountain of GOD's House Will be The Mountain — solid, towering over all mountains. All nations will river toward it, people from all over set out for it. 3 They'll say, "Come, let's climb GOD's Mountain, go to the House of the God of Jacob. He'll show us the way he works so we can live the way we're made." Zion's the source of the revelation. GOD's Message comes from Jerusalem. 4 He'll settle things fairly between nations. He'll make things right between many peoples. They'll turn their swords into shovels, their spears into hoes
This is what SHOULD happen.
Isa 1:2-5
2 Heaven and earth, you're the jury. Listen to GOD's case: "I had children and raised them well, and they turned on me. 3 The ox knows who's boss, the mule knows the hand that feeds him, But not Israel. My people don't know up from down. 4 Shame! Misguided GOD-dropouts, staggering under their guilt-baggage, Gang of miscreants, band of vandals — My people have walked out on me, their GOD, turned their backs on The Holy of Israel, walked off and never looked back. 5 "Why bother even trying to do anything with you when you just keep to your bullheaded ways? You keep beating your heads against brick walls
I have never heard a sermon on this!
2 Heaven and earth, you're the jury. Listen to GOD's case: "I had children and raised them well, and they turned on me. 3 The ox knows who's boss, the mule knows the hand that feeds him, But not Israel. My people don't know up from down. 4 Shame! Misguided GOD-dropouts, staggering under their guilt-baggage, Gang of miscreants, band of vandals — My people have walked out on me, their GOD, turned their backs on The Holy of Israel, walked off and never looked back. 5 "Why bother even trying to do anything with you when you just keep to your bullheaded ways? You keep beating your heads against brick walls
I have never heard a sermon on this!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Now is when you’ll begin to see that I’m very different. I believe that the children of Israel are in the Bible to show us what God is capable of doing with humans. Unfortunately we are a lot like them. Jesus freed us from slavery to sin and we have been promised an inheritance or a land too (Heaven) but we are still unhappy! Instead of simply focusing on God and what He’s done we are focused on us and what we do.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Prov 8:22-27
22 "GOD sovereignly made me — the first, the basic — before he did anything else. 23 I was brought into being a long time ago, well before Earth got its start. 24 I arrived on the scene before Ocean, yes, even before Springs and Rivers and Lakes. 25 Before Mountains were sculpted and Hills took shape, I was already there, newborn; 26 Long before GOD stretched out Earth's Horizons, and tended to the minute details of Soil and Weather, 27 And set Sky firmly in place, I was there.
Humans think that certain schools, degrees or jobs do it but God di it.
22 "GOD sovereignly made me — the first, the basic — before he did anything else. 23 I was brought into being a long time ago, well before Earth got its start. 24 I arrived on the scene before Ocean, yes, even before Springs and Rivers and Lakes. 25 Before Mountains were sculpted and Hills took shape, I was already there, newborn; 26 Long before GOD stretched out Earth's Horizons, and tended to the minute details of Soil and Weather, 27 And set Sky firmly in place, I was there.
Humans think that certain schools, degrees or jobs do it but God di it.
Prov 8:12-21
12 "I am Lady Wisdom, and I live next to Sanity; Knowledge and Discretion live just down the street. 13 The Fear-of-GOD means hating Evil, whose ways I hate with a passion — pride and arrogance and crooked talk. 14 Good counsel and common sense are my characteristics; I am both Insight and the Virtue to live it out. 15 With my help, leaders rule, and lawmakers legislate fairly; 16 With my help, governors govern, along with all in legitimate authority. 17 I love those who love me; those who look for me find me. 18 Wealth and Glory accompany me — also substantial Honor and a Good Name. 19 My benefits are worth more than a big salary, even a very big salary; the returns on me exceed any imaginable bonus. 20 You can find me on Righteous Road — that's where I walk — at the intersection of Justice Avenue, 21 Handing out life to those who love me, filling their arms with life — armloads of life!
12 "I am Lady Wisdom, and I live next to Sanity; Knowledge and Discretion live just down the street. 13 The Fear-of-GOD means hating Evil, whose ways I hate with a passion — pride and arrogance and crooked talk. 14 Good counsel and common sense are my characteristics; I am both Insight and the Virtue to live it out. 15 With my help, leaders rule, and lawmakers legislate fairly; 16 With my help, governors govern, along with all in legitimate authority. 17 I love those who love me; those who look for me find me. 18 Wealth and Glory accompany me — also substantial Honor and a Good Name. 19 My benefits are worth more than a big salary, even a very big salary; the returns on me exceed any imaginable bonus. 20 You can find me on Righteous Road — that's where I walk — at the intersection of Justice Avenue, 21 Handing out life to those who love me, filling their arms with life — armloads of life!
Prov 6:16-19
Here are six things GOD hates, and one more that he loathes with a passion: 17 eyes that are arrogant, a tongue that lies, hands that murder the innocent, 18 a heart that hatches evil plots, feet that race down a wicked track, 19 a mouth that lies under oath, a troublemaker in the family.
Here are six things GOD hates, and one more that he loathes with a passion: 17 eyes that are arrogant, a tongue that lies, hands that murder the innocent, 18 a heart that hatches evil plots, feet that race down a wicked track, 19 a mouth that lies under oath, a troublemaker in the family.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Prov 3:13-15
You're blessed when you meet Lady Wisdom, when you make friends with Madame Insight. 14 She's worth far more than money in the bank; her friendship is better than a big salary. 15 Her value exceeds all the trappings of wealth; nothing you could wish for holds a candle to her.
All the things that this world tells you are vitally important are mentioned here in the Bible such as money in the bank, a big salary and wealth.
You're blessed when you meet Lady Wisdom, when you make friends with Madame Insight. 14 She's worth far more than money in the bank; her friendship is better than a big salary. 15 Her value exceeds all the trappings of wealth; nothing you could wish for holds a candle to her.
All the things that this world tells you are vitally important are mentioned here in the Bible such as money in the bank, a big salary and wealth.
Prov 2:9-12
9 So now you can pick out what's true and fair, find all the good trails! 10 Lady Wisdom will be your close friend, and Brother Knowledge your pleasant companion. 11 Good Sense will scout ahead for danger, Insight will keep an eye out for you. 12 They'll keep you from making wrong turns, or following the bad directions
These are GIFTS from God!
9 So now you can pick out what's true and fair, find all the good trails! 10 Lady Wisdom will be your close friend, and Brother Knowledge your pleasant companion. 11 Good Sense will scout ahead for danger, Insight will keep an eye out for you. 12 They'll keep you from making wrong turns, or following the bad directions
These are GIFTS from God!
Proverbs 1:1-5
These are the wise sayings of Solomon, David's son, Israel's king — 2 Written down so we'll know how to live well and right, to understand what life means and where it's going; 3 A manual for living, for learning what's right and just and fair; 4 To teach the inexperienced the ropes and give our young people a grasp on reality. 5 There's something here also for seasoned men and women, 6 still a thing or two for the experienced to learn — Fresh wisdom to probe and penetrate, the rhymes and reasons of wise men and women. Start with GOD — the first step in learning is bowing down to GOD; only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning.
These are the wise sayings of Solomon, David's son, Israel's king — 2 Written down so we'll know how to live well and right, to understand what life means and where it's going; 3 A manual for living, for learning what's right and just and fair; 4 To teach the inexperienced the ropes and give our young people a grasp on reality. 5 There's something here also for seasoned men and women, 6 still a thing or two for the experienced to learn — Fresh wisdom to probe and penetrate, the rhymes and reasons of wise men and women. Start with GOD — the first step in learning is bowing down to GOD; only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Ps 139:7-12
7 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? 8 If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! 9 If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, 10 You'd find me in a minute — you're already there waiting! 11 Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!" 12 It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
7 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? 8 If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! 9 If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, 10 You'd find me in a minute — you're already there waiting! 11 Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!" 12 It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
Ps 107:1-3
Oh, thank GOD — he's so good! His love never runs out. 2 All of you set free by GOD, tell the world! Tell how he freed you from oppression, 3 Then rounded you up from all over the place, from the four winds, from the seven seas.
Set free by God! We were slaves to sin but God set us free! Sin still has negative effects on us physically but spiritually we’re free.
Oh, thank GOD — he's so good! His love never runs out. 2 All of you set free by GOD, tell the world! Tell how he freed you from oppression, 3 Then rounded you up from all over the place, from the four winds, from the seven seas.
Set free by God! We were slaves to sin but God set us free! Sin still has negative effects on us physically but spiritually we’re free.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Life would be so much more fulfilling for us all if we focused on the fact that we’re eternal beings which means that our lives never end. Our time on Earth to humans on Earth seems quite long but when we consider eternity our lives on Earth are quite short which makes things like life insurance and retirement seem rather silly and the fact that we teach children only about life on Earth is also pretty silly because in eternity they will be unprepared.
Ps 95:8-96:1
8 "Don't turn a deaf ear as in the Bitter Uprising, As on the day of the Wilderness Test, 9 when your ancestors turned and put me to the test. 10 For forty years they watched me at work among them, as over and over they tried my patience. And I was provoked — oh, was I provoked! 'Can't they keep their minds on God for five minutes? Do they simply refuse to walk down my road?' 11 Exasperated, I exploded, 'They'll never get where they're headed, never be able to sit down and rest.'"
This is about the Israelites.
8 "Don't turn a deaf ear as in the Bitter Uprising, As on the day of the Wilderness Test, 9 when your ancestors turned and put me to the test. 10 For forty years they watched me at work among them, as over and over they tried my patience. And I was provoked — oh, was I provoked! 'Can't they keep their minds on God for five minutes? Do they simply refuse to walk down my road?' 11 Exasperated, I exploded, 'They'll never get where they're headed, never be able to sit down and rest.'"
This is about the Israelites.
Ps 86:9-10
9 All the nations you made are on their way, ready to give honor to you, O Lord, Ready to put your beauty on display, 10 parading your greatness, And the great things you do — God, you're the one, there's no one but you!
Reworded to represent what’s going on:
9 All the nations you made are ready to take honor for themselves, the great things they do.
Hmm, sounds like the garden of Eden.
9 All the nations you made are on their way, ready to give honor to you, O Lord, Ready to put your beauty on display, 10 parading your greatness, And the great things you do — God, you're the one, there's no one but you!
Reworded to represent what’s going on:
9 All the nations you made are ready to take honor for themselves, the great things they do.
Hmm, sounds like the garden of Eden.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
People very much like to say: “life goes on”, but what they don’t realize is that life only goes on for them because the giver of life (God) chooses to allow their life to go on for whatever reason. We are created beings that are created by Him and He chooses to allow our lives to continue so that we will bring Him glory on Earth.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I have a huge problem with what I’m seeing! We, as humans, are created beings, created by God to bring Him glory and we were created on the 6th day of 7 days of creation so obviously everything else was created with us in mind, but all I see is a big push to compete with and surpass each other! The clay is competing with the clay and no thought is given to the potter who made us. We just have to outdo each other, and I don’t read that in the Bible! So yes, I have a HUGE problem with that.
The thing that I want to make very clear is that people are very very happy with things that are special and good done by other people for them that they do not have to pay for. The problem that I see with that is that God already created this world, everything in it, people, animals and what these people use to develop “special” things so God already did this and much more so I don’t know why people aren’t happy with that. What God did is first and anything that people do is aftermath to that.
Ps 2:10-12
Upstart-judges, learn your lesson: 11 Worship GOD in adoring embrace, Celebrate in trembling awe. 12 Kiss Messiah! Your very lives are in danger, you know; His anger is about to explode, But if you make a run for God — you won't regret it!
This is not in the qualifications for judges but it should be!
Upstart-judges, learn your lesson: 11 Worship GOD in adoring embrace, Celebrate in trembling awe. 12 Kiss Messiah! Your very lives are in danger, you know; His anger is about to explode, But if you make a run for God — you won't regret it!
This is not in the qualifications for judges but it should be!
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